New Year's Eve

Since this is my least favorite night of the year, I will wait until tomorrow to do my blog!

Fifth Night

Somewhere in the dim recesses of my mind, I think I've heard of a tradition called Fifth Night and finding an almond in a piece of cake. It might be something I dreamed up but we are going out for dinner tonight and I'm going to call it a Fifth Night Celebration. Actually, it is an early New Year's Eve dinner as Jack is driving tomorrow night and New Year's Day for some friends. So, tonight we are heading off to dinner with the gang - including Agnes Rose, who will probably woo the entire restaurant!

I am feeling very good after one full week on the medication....still a little fatigued but I still am not sleeping a lot at night. I've cut out the daily naps to see if that helps but it hasn't so far! Tonight I am going to try to stay up late and see if that will help.

Th above photo of Agnes Rose with Ava and baby Samantha, Virginia's granddaughters. It is wonderful to see our friendship go into the third generation....makes me feel like the past is merging with the future is some mystical way. Anyway, Danny and Melissa hosted a lovely "cousins" party and the little ones all got along. For those of you who don't know a whole lot of our history, Virginia, Eileen and I have been friends for almost 55 years. Our children have been close over the years as well. (Great Aunt Eileen can't imagine how her childhood friends are suddenly responding to names like "Grandma" and "Nana." However, we can still think of her as the ever youthful Great Aunt Eileen.)

Time to go!

Believe! Hope!

As always, love from me to you!

On the Fourth Day of Christmas

This may come as a shock to my high school Crones but our senior prom was 44 years ago tonight at the Hotel Pierre. Just thought I'd throw that in for a laugh!

Whatever had me laying low yesterday is gone and I am as fit as a fiddle today. I haven't even had a nap yet even though I did not have a very good night's sleep. I will be in bed early tonight for sure (I've been going to bed earlier and earlier - one night I am going to meet myself getting up in the morning!)




Christmas dinner yesterday was superior. I am going to try to post a photo of the Beef Wellington and Chef Joseph who looks a bit startled at the thought that we were going to cut into and eat his beautiful creation. We did and it was as tasty as it was beautiful!

Tonight Jack and I are going to have plain penne with good old marinara sauce (home made by the Italian grocery store man who cooks in the back of somewhere.) Hey, I made empanadas on Saturday for Kate and the gang so I did do some cooking. Kate ate the last of them for breakfast this morning.

Joe's sister, Cathy, makes the most wonderful orange biscotti and was kind enough to send me some. My family actually thought I was going to share them - well, I AM NOT sharing them. I have hidden them and will enjoy each and every one of them in secret. So, thank you, Cathy, I will think of you, Juan, Paula and Carlos each time I enjoy one of these special cookies - and I will remember what good times we have when we are all together. I am looking forward to more of those good times next summer either here at Juan's place in the Hamptons or in Wisconsin!

I also think Grandpa John DeMerit will enjoy knowing that Agnes Rose pointed at the angel on our tree and said "angel" (well, it was a little more like agiegl but we knew what she meant.)

The gang has gone off to celebrate with their "cousins", Eileen and Virginia's clan including three year old Ava and baby Samantha. They should have a great time as they always do when they get together.

Believe! Hope!

As always, love from me to you.

Sleepy Sunday

The gang arrived here last night and we were happy to see Joe, Karen and Agnes arrive safely. The weather was pushing 60 degrees - so unlike December weather.

If I am to be honest in this blog, I have to tell you that I have started to react a bit to the Magic Pill. Although it may be my medication for diabetes (which I added back to the regimen on Friday) I really had a rough evening and night. Today I am totally exhausted and feeling a bit queasy (although that may be the cookies I ate getting even!) In any event, I am going to make this a very short blog and head off to bed. The kids, ha, kids, will be making Christmas dinner today so I will stay out of the way. The best part of Joe cooking is that he cleans up afterward! (And the meal is always delicious!)

Karen and Joe met some of you at church this morning and I thank you for asking for me. I know your prayers are helping me in many ways. Jovanna, don't forget to send the blog link to Susan! It always amazes me how many of you read this blog. It is such good therapy for me and even better therapy when I know you care enough to read it.

Thought you would enjoy a photo of Gingie Girl having her first taste of hot cocoa! Mmm...nothing like hot cocoa on a cold winter day! (I'm sorry for the placement but am too exhausted to try to move it.)

As always, love from me to you!

On the Feast of Stephen

I am glad that if good King Wenceslas looked out today, he would not see a lot of snow deep and crisp and even. The rain seems to have done a good job of removing most of the snow.

This blog will be written intermittently through the day as I am sharing my computer this week with Kate. Yesterday, I posted my Christmas blog on her website by accident and she discovered it late last night when we returned home from Virginia's! It is good having the Guru of Blog here in the house as she quickly corrected my blunder. She also rearranged the photographs on my computer so that I can actually find them. Not finding them had become a problem when I wanted to send one along to accompany an entry.


I could not sleep again last night and spent 2ish to 5ish watching tv. Except for the sleep issue, which has been going on for months even though I have medication to help me sleep, I feel great. I am thankful for each day that I do not have any side effects and hope this keeps up. Even though I had little sleep last night - and no nap yet today - I have more energy than I have had for a long time. Maybe it is the after effect of the hilarious and food filled Christmas Eve gathering at the DiLollo's house or the joyful feeling of being surrounded by so much love and concern at Virginia's yesterday - whatever it is, it is working and I am thankful. And, this Sunday we will be celebrating again with Karen, Joe, Agnes, and Kate. Joe is going to make Beef Wellington and all the fixings with his sous chefs, Karen and Kate.





One of the most fun happenings was the arrival of a large, stuffed cow wearing a placard which reads "Eat More Chiken" which some of you may recognize as the slogan of Chick-Fil-A which is my favorite fast food chicken and the chain has not reached past the Mason Dixon line yet. W and Shirley managed to get the store mascot - wearing his Santa hat - and mail it up to me. It makes me laugh every time I go through the living room where she moooves about - either on the rocking chair or dozing near the Christmas tree. I'm sure you will be seeing lots of udder photos of Chik on this blog as she is my own personal mascot!




We also had a couple of reindeer dragging a sleigh filled with gifts around our front lawn since Christmas Eve. I think they are looking for the large wild turkey that was here on Thanksgiving or perhaps they had herd about the chiken lovin' cow who recently moooved in. Anyway, I slipped out late last night and caught them before they got away.


Jack works really hard to put up the outdoor decorations each year and I think it is time I acknowledge how much I appreciate his efforts. It is not easy to get these decorations down from an attic that is only accessible from a door in the garage ceiling which takes a very tall ladder to reach. I don't know how he does it every year. The gifts in the sleigh are a new addition this year - pretty clever, I think.

I'll be posting more photos as time goes on since Kate has given me some really good instructions and organized my photographs so I can find them.

Incidentally, since this blog is read all over the world, Happy Boxing Day to my pals who are celebrating it today! Raise a glass to my health, would you, please?

Believe! Hope!

As always, love from me to you!

Joy to the World

Merry Christmas!

As always, love from me to you!

Quick Blog

Am home. Long day. Did not have adverse reaction to Magic Pill. Am exhausted, however, and am heading to bed. Just did not want you to worry. Miracles may happen if we believe hard enough! Remember Tinkerbell!

Believe! Hope!

As always, love from me to you!

Sorry I Missed a Post Yesterday!

Apologies to all of you who wrote this morning worried that I did not write a blog yesterday! My CT scan was routine - the best part of it is that instead of drinking that thick, gross barium liquid, they now have one based on Crystal Light which is like drinking 2 quarts of Crystal Light instead of that dreadful chalky one. They mix the "dye" with delicious raspberry, sugar free, CL which reminded me of Cool Aid when we were kids.

We did not get out of MSK until 4:30ish and hit rush hour going home. Considering the amount of fluid I had to consume in a few hours, we had to make several pit stops for me. I had energy for a change so we also stopped at Macy's for a few last minute gifts and then went out for a quick burger at the Iron Horse in Glen Head. We did not get in until 8:30 or so and by then, my energy had crashed and I headed straight to bed. Ironically, I had no trouble sleeping last night although the night before I seemed to have visits from so many who have gone before. They were all so happy I think they were sending me positive messages for this treatment. One funny note is that my Aunt Lou, who always wore a dress and an apron, was wearing Bermuda shorts in my dream and I commented on her great legs. She just laughed and said they were comfortable.

We are getting ready to go back into the city in a little while. I have a 9:30 appointment for blood work and then my first dose of the clinical trial medication around 11 a.m. They will keep me there for several hours to make sure I do not have an allergic reaction (please, God, no fireworks this time!) and then I will bring home enough medication for 14 more days. On the 15 day, I go back for the same procedure. This will last six weeks at which time they will determine if it has worked. If not, they will try something else. Jack and I have great expectations that this will work and I will soon be on the road to good health.

I will make every effort to write another entry after the treatment today. If I don't, it is because I am not up to it so, don't worry, just pray that all goes well. After all this is the season of miracles for all of us.

Believe! Hope!

As always, love from me to you!

Friendship and Hope

Just got in from a lovely lunch with two of the Crones and Ms. Jean Brody (who is still in her prime.) There is something so special about sharing a meal with these high school buddies. It is as though time stood still and we are still the young girls sitting around the table at good old TMLA - except we don't have to crumb the table ourselves (inside joke for TMLA girls.) We ate at the Locust Valley Inn which is rapidly becoming my favorite haunt especially for brunch on Sunday. Today it was so festive in its Christmas finery with a beautiful, warm and welcoming fire burning in the fireplace and Wooden Soldiers guarding the hearth. We laughed and talked about things that cannot be repeated here. Things that only those who know each other well and love each other so dearly can speak and be understood. I guess this is what is meant by the voices of the heart. In any event, I am sore from laughing and Ms. Brody (while still in her prime) and I did not look as though we were in our prime trying to climb into Janice's Suburban. Why don' t those things come with ladders for us short, stout types? Of course being hysterical laughing did not help things along. I thought we would wind up on the snow covered ground for sure as we could not stop laughing and crying at the same time. If I'd thought to bring a camera, I would have put it on video and shared it here as I think you had to actually witness it to appreciate it.

Tomorrow will bring another a trip to the city for Jack and me as we head in for my CT scan; then one more early trip for us on Tuesday and my first dose of medication. Please, I beg, pray that I do not have an allergic reaction to this stuff. It is my only fear.

Jack put up the Christmas wreaths over the fireplaces and they look beautiful. I swear they get more beautiful each year. The poor tree still stands unadorned its lights and ornaments lay in a box beneath it. I think Jack feels the elves will take care of it during the night but I tried to tell him that they only make shoes and toys during the night (and sometimes give directions in restaurants) - not put lights on a tree. I would go ahead and do it myself but I am not breaking with the tradition of Jack doing it. Of many holiday traditions, one of my favorites is sitting in the living room with no lights on except the tree and listening to the tinkle of the lights going on and off in the silence of the night.

Actually, there is one ornament on the tree waiting for the rest. Janice presented me with a little red velvet pillow embroidered with the word Hope. It was an incredibly thoughtful and inspiring gift. Hope - a beautiful word.

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

Getting to Look a Lot Like Christmas!

My mouth is full of rugalach so I thought I should walk away from the kitchen and sit down to write a new entry. Sorry I missed a day or so, but I have been baking and or sleeping - mostly sleeping as I feel really tired. I think my brain is trying to get some rest from all the decisions of the past few weeks and the ups and downs of it all. I appreciate all the support you have been sending me via e-mails, cards and notes. I have not been answering the phone too often as I do fine until I have to talk about what is about to happen and then I get all choked up. I appreciate your understanding along these lines. I will continue to post my progress once I start the clinical trial medication on Tuesday. I am filled with optimism in spite of my apprehension.

Poor Karen, Joe and Agnes Rose are still in Brooklyn. This awful snow storm caused their flight to Milwaukee to be canceled - and the runways in Milwaukee were also closed down due to snow so it wasn't just the NY airports. Fortunately, Joe and Karen reacted quickly and got seats on a flight for Monday before the Friday flight was officially canceled. I know Gladys and John were disappointed about the weather but I'll bet they would rather delay the fun a few days then have anyone in peril. I'm happy no one had to drive to the Milwaukee airport considering the photos of Milwaukee on CNN this morning. For sure, it will be a white Christmas out there - and here, too, this year. Now I know I am getting old as I am not particularly happy about a white Christmas. I remember the years I prayed for one!

Kate will be driving down from snowy Boston on Christmas Eve morning. I hope the snow that is predicted waits until she and all the other travelers are at their destinations. I won't relax fully until she is home. I wish her school would have closed on Friday for vacation like the schools here. How ridiculous to go in for 2 days - you know how much the kids will learn when they are so filled with the excitement of the holidays upon them.

I have not been to any stores lately so I haven't heard all the canned holiday music. Therefore, I am looking forward to hearing the Christmas carols and other holiday songs. Jack has set the tree up in the living room where it awaits its decorations. He has to put on the lights then I'll do the rest. It is a tiny tree this year compared to years past - about five feet tall. Actually, if I were a pine tree, I would look exactly like this one. It is short and round about the middle - very round about the middle. (What? I know I'm no slim birch tree bending in the wind!) I relate to this tree and think it will bring good luck into the house. I wanted a fake one this year but this one will do just fine. I love the smell in the house - between the tree and live wreathes over the fireplaces.

We will celebrate Christmas Eve with our friends at the DiLollo house - a real Italian Christmas Eve. We are still full from the feast two years ago! This is a wonderful place to be on the holiday as the house is filled with this large and extended family and they are all so loving and welcoming - there are no strangers at this gathering! From the youngest to the oldest, the warmth and hospitality envelopes you.

Christmas Day will be celebrated at Virginia's house and we'll gather around the same piano we've gathered around for over 54 years to sing carols and remember when we really did live in Toyland....now here we are grandmas and grandpas and great grandmas and great aunts and uncles and other little babes have taken our place in Toyland as should be. We'll eat and we'll drink and we'll laugh at memories that only we share....and perhaps we will shed a tear or two for those not with us this year or in worry for what may come. But mostly, we'll just rejoice in being together as we have for so many years.

On Sunday, we will celebrate Christmas here (weather permitting) when Karen, Joe, Gingie the Elf and Kate will be here all at the same time. It's a time to realize how fortunate we are.

Time for a little snooze!

As always, love from me to you!

P.S.

Just an update.....my CT scan is scheduled for Monday afternoon at MSK 53 Street and I will start the clinical trial on Tuesday. Woot!

Also, I forgot to tell you how thoughtful Karen was yesterday when she arrived at MSK to meet Jack and I. She carried a cup of Ginger Snap Starbucks all the way up from Grand Central Station....not a short walk. I don't know which was better - her kindness or my delicious coffee! These are the small acts of kindness which make life worth fighting for no matter what it takes.

As always, love from me to you!

Finding Miracles

You have all been waiting patiently for news from me this morning but it has taken me a bit of time to pull it all together - both physically and emotionally.

It is good news and bad news. The cancer has been diagnosed - both in the lung and pancreatic tail - as lung cancer stage four. Not a happy sounding diagnosis BUT all cancers that return are classified as fourth stage so it isn't as dismal as it first sounded (at least to me.) The good news is that I am an excellent candidate for a clinical trial at MSK which is not chemo in the classical sense but an oral dose of medication every day for a period of time. This will start on Tuesday if I am able to get an abdominal CT scan before Tuesday. MSK and I are both working on that as I would like to get this treatment started as quickly as possible.

Now, this type of treatment should shrink the tumors in the lung and pancreas (if it is not a new cancer in the pancreas, we are still a little cloudy about that diagnosis.) An improvement should show by six weeks. If it does not, then they will start me on another oral medication. God forbid neither works, I will then go on chemo. If it is a new cancer in the pancreas (which is highly unlikely according to all the specialists) we will have to deal with that in another way which has not yet been shared with me. I can only absorb so much medical jargon at one time. Karen and Jack were both with me and between the three of us, I am pretty sure we got the whole of it. I also have a great deal of reading to do regarding the clinical trial but I bypassed the reading and signed up for it. I can always cancel if I am so inclined after reading the materials. (I just finished reading it and it is a little daunting but I still feel it is the best option at this point.)

As usual, the people at MSK were very kind and happy to explain in detail - over and over if necessary - the procedures, etc. Right now the important thing is getting that CT scan. I spoke to Commack this morning - even dropping the name of someone who might have some clout and was told that the first available opening in Tuesday. I am now awaiting a call from MSK to see if I can get into the Manhattan facility sooner. I am praying I don't have to wait another whole week before starting this new regimen but what is one more week in this saga?

The diagnosis was certainly not what I was looking for and I can't say that I am not apprehensive about the outcome. I feel fortunate that I can be in this clinical trial and/or on the other oral medication if the clinical trial does not work for me - the clinical trial has an 85% tumor reduction rate so it has given me hope. My fear will always be an allergic reaction such as the one I had two years ago - I think this is a terror that will not leave me no matter what the option.

Sometimes we have to look hard for our miracles - sometimes they just smile at you and give you the strength and courage to stand firm and battle whatever comes your way!

Believe! I do.

As always, love from me to you!

Cookies and Snow

The weather outside has started to become frightful - at least that is what our Calico Cat has to say as she put her speckled nose out and quickly backed into the warm house! I couldn't believe it had started to snow, albeit a light dusting at the moment. I think it is supposed to continue - lightly - until it mixes with rain through tomorrow morning and then goes away. It kind of fits in with my mood today as I decided to bake some cookies for the holidays. Yesterday I planned to bake rugalach but got waylaid without enough cream cheese in the house so I made them this morning. Not bad but I think they could use a dusting of powdered sugar to sweeten them a little.....then I got into the chocolate chip cookie mode and they only need your teeth and lips to make them better! Jack is off on errands so I asked him to pick up some more cream cheese and coconut as I have an idea to make mini chocolate cupcakes, ice them white and dip them in coconut...miniatures of my favorite cake. I was thinking a cherry on the top of each one would be festive as well. I know I am supposed to be watching my sugar intake and I am following the rules but I also believe a little cheat now and then keeps you on the straight and narrow food wise.

A couple of the Crones and Miss Jean Brodie and I are going out for Sunday brunch at the Locust Valley Inn on Sunday. It will be a good way to celebrate an early Christmas. I am really looking forward to it as that is one of my favorite restaurants.

Please take a look at Sween in the Bean today and see the latest picture of our little Gingie Girl Elf. I tried to put it here but then you know what good luck I have with adding photos. It's easier for you to click on Sween in the Bean!

Carol and Joel B. sent the best holiday card today - it says Believe! which is our motto on this journey - also thanks to Carol who inspired it with something she wrote to me. I loved it and know that Carol deliberately picked that card for me so I want to thank her publicly! It really touched my heart.

Think of me tomorrow as I meet with Dr. Lung O at 3:45. Hopefully, he will set me on the path to wellness - no matter how bumpy that path may be. I will make every effort to write a blog entry after my meeting but it may not be done until Thursday morning so don't panic.

Right now, I'm enjoying the aroma of the fresh baked cookies and maybe I'll eat one just for you!
Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

In Memory of James Ronald Joyce

It is a dichotomy of emotions to be sad and to be happy at the same time but that is how I feel when I remember Ronnie Joyce. Ronnie, the eldest of the Joyce clan - Jack's only cousins and our special friends - passed away two years ago today. His diagnosis and passing were only about a week apart. He passed from a very rapid form of cancer.

Ronnie and his wife, Carol, e-mailed me almost every day during my initial lung cancer recovery. He always had a joke or something uplifting to tell me and to encourage me along my earlier journey. His untimely passing was a lesson that each day is precious and none of us know when our individual journeys will end.

In September 2006, the Joyce Clan and Jack and I attended a wedding in Nantucket. Ronnie, Carol, Bobby and Diane joined Jack and I on Friday night where we attended the rehearsal dinner for Michael and Caroline. Michael is Bobby and Diane's elder son. It was a damp night but the boys managed to find benches outside and enjoyed their cigars. Later on that evening, the six of us walked through the rain swept streets of Nantucket and found a little hole in the wall - literally - bar where we sat and enjoyed a nightcap and lots of love and laughter. Ronnie, who had arthritis in his knees, insisted on walking Jack and I back to our Inn as we were in the opposite direction as everyone else. It was just one of those magical nights that always linger in the memory.

Next day, we attended the beautiful wedding and enjoyed the reception - in spite of the downpour. After the reception, we all sat outside on the wide porch - the boyos smoking their cigars and enjoying their beer - the gals enjoying our own libations.

Ronnie was holding court and told Jack how much he loved Jack's parents and how he and his siblings looked forward to their arrival on those special weekends. He said they would listen for the car as Aunt Evelyn would always have some special cold cuts and cakes for the kids. Ronnie said his father (Evelyn's brother, Jimmy) would pour a shot of whiskey and put it in the bathroom and Uncle Johnny (Jack's father) would need to use the "facilities." Jack said that solved the mystery of how his father got so merry when his mother kept a really close eye on him! Ronnie continued with these stories which brought tears and laughter to Jack as he remembered back to those days with his parents and brother Hugh, now passed almost 19 years.

I asked Ronnie to make a point of telling these stories to Karen and Kate the next time we got together as they were very young when Evelyn passed and Johnny died even earlier, happy in the knowledge that Jack and I were expecting our first child.

Ronnie did not have the chance to tell these stories to my daughters as that weekend was the last time we saw him - following him to I-95 through some very small towns at a very slow pace! When we got on the highway, I rolled down the window and we waved good-bye and shouted some insults about his driving, I'm sure!

When I think of Ronnie, after all those years, suddenly telling those old stories, I can't help but wonder if on some level, our souls know that they will soon be making the journey back to their Maker?

I began this post by saying remembering Ronnie makes me sad and happy. Sad because I miss him even though I did not see him very often - and happy because so many memories of Jack's and my courting days, early marriage and struggles and joys through the years are tied up with all the Joyces but Ronnie and Carol always seemed at the forefront of family happenings.

Ronnie would be proud to know that we have all grown even closer as time has passed. We all carry him in our hearts.........and stories of Ronnie still bring life to the party!

Rest in peace, friend and cousin! Memories of you are alive and well and still bringing smiles to our faces - although sometimes with a catch in our throats.

As always, love from me to you!

The Gingie Elf

Here is some Christmas Cheer to share!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Bathroom Surgery

There isn't a whole lot to share today except the following photo which I received from Joe's brother, Tom, in answer to my quest for some kitchen tools to remove the tumor myself. I will include my own quote upon which this photo is based.

One thing for sure, this b.s. about early detection is a myth. The pancreatic mass could not have been detected earlier and it has been 2 1/2 months and it is still wreaking havoc. I have been sorely tempted to grab a can opener and remove it myself if it were only that simple!

It is very hard to stay glum very long with any of the DeMerits around physically or in spirit all the way from Wisconsin. What are the odds of having a child marry into a family that has the same warped sense of humor as your own? I think I am very lucky, indeed. So, thanks Tom and Joanne, for this hilarious image! It really made me laugh although I think you should have included a lobster pick.

Jack, who somehow becomes filled with the Christmas spirit around Thanksgiving, has even managed to infect me - a little - today. Christmas is starting to appear in the nooks and crannies of the Sweeney house. The freezer has some wonderful Christmas cookies baked by Joe and I have to admit that when Eileen stopped by for coffee today, we did sample a few of those cookies. Mmm. Now it will take great willpower to not sample a few more each day. I know they are for Christmas and 1/2 for Virginia.

I finally watched the online video of Gingie Girl walking on Thanksgiving. If you get a chance, go to the DeMerit website - A Family Grows in Brooklyn - and look at the videos. Joe is very creative and has done a super job with his edits.

That's all for now!

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

Believe Really Hard!

Today's weather bodes a December next year pretty much like this year's - cold, hot, wet, sunny, calm, windy.....a lot like life, actually.

The long awaited call from MSK came last evening and, considering the season, did not bear good tidings. The lung cancer is back and has also spread to the pancreatic tail - probably. I say probably because although the type of cell seems to be the same, the specialists are not able to determine without doubt that it is not a new cancer in the pancreas. In layman's terms, it appears that they are covering their derrieres. (Ain't I toined into a lady with them fancy French words?)

Jack and I took this latest news pretty hard although not without hope. Dr. Pancreas has removed himself from the scene (or dropped me like a hot potato since my condition did not conform to his most positive and definite scenario) and has turned me over to Dr. Lung Oncologist (to be known as Dr. Lung O.) Fortunately for me, I saw Dr. Lung O two years ago for a second opinion on chemo so it was easier to get an appointment - although I am sure that the appointment for this Wednesday - December 17 - was both a miracle and a blessing as I expected to wait until at least mid January to see him. Hopefully, treatment will begin quickly.

According to the nurse from Dr. Pancreas' office, the treatment will most certainly be chemo with no surgery at this point if ever. I am concerned (essence of the understatement) about the pancreas but have been told that the pancreas issue will be addressed along with the lung and that the chemo will take care of both. Considering my past history with chemo, I am not looking forward to this at all. However, this life is too precious and full not to fight with all my might - and besides you, I have my family and all those Crones standing shoulder to shoulder with me. We will enter the battle armed with grace, strength, courage, determination and most of all love.....for after all, doesn't Love conquer all? I am pinning my hopes on the Master Oncologist Who will make all the final decisions anyway!

I know many of you will have questions but I don't have any answers but I promise to share what I learn as I go along. Meanwhile, keep praying but most of all

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

Here I Am

Which One's Nana?

Well, I am proud to say I have made it to day 11 of my December weather forecasting calendar! November looks to be a stormy month - not too cold but very wet. If I make it to 12, it will be the first time and my ancestors will be so proud that I am keeping the tradition alive. (Go back to December 1 if you don't know what I am talking about.)

Mrs. McMahon just left in this miserable storm. She came by to see me and spoil me with a cup of Ginger Snap Starbucks - with whipped cream. I have always been a coffee purist - black, no sugar. She introduced me to this Ginger Snap treat around Thanksgiving and I have been craving it since. It certainly perked me up - pun intended! I am glad it is a seasonal drink and I'll look forward to one or two more during the Christmas season and then wait for next year.

It was a fun way to spend this dreary afternoon.

Today was the day my surgery was scheduled and I have to admit feeling a little upset that it hasn't taken place yet. The sensible part of me says it is far better to be absolutely sure what is going on but it is just taking so damn long and I can't help feeling that more damage is being done by waiting, waiting, waiting. I should quit whining about this but unfortunately, I am stuck in the worry rut.

So, I'm working myself up into a real pity party mood when Joe sends me a photo (see above as I was unable to place it where it should be) he took with his phone of Agnes pointing to my photo when asked "Which one's Nana?" How can I remain pitiful when my Gingie Girl can pick me out of a line up and I have a son-in-law who is thoughtful enough to send the photo to me via e-mail? The folks to my right in photo (left when looking at it) are Grandma and Grandpa DeMerit who I miss a whole lot and wish I was able to visit with them over the holiday season. Next summer or Christmas for sure. Hopefully they will visit NY before then. Meanwhile, I send my love and thoughts to all our family members in Wisconsin.

Shirley and W just called from Tucker. Georgia to tell me she had to restrain him from buying me the display cow dressed as Santa at Chick-Fil-A. I said they were cheating on me going to Chick-Fil-A in my absence as I love Chick-Fil-A chicken. See, I have my favorites all over the place - Chick-Fil-A in Georgia; frozen custard in Wisconsin; bar-b-que in North Carolina; pizza and bagels in New York; cider donuts and Kraus chocolates in Albany, NY; pigs in a blanket in Northport, NY and eggplant parmigiana by Jeanne now in East Northport, NY......oh, the list goes on and on......mmmmm, see what a little memory of Chick-Fil-A will do? I won't even go into fried stuffed olives in Rome and then any dairy product and brown bread in Ireland ..............I'd better get well as I have a lot of good eating to do.

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

Just a Laugh Riot

Today's weather is rainy but reaching 60 degrees. It is colder in the house than outside. Looks like October will be damp but mild.


I am still a little worn out today and my stomach is still queasy but compared to yesterday and last night, I feel much better. I had a good night's sleep until the cat wanted to go out at 4 a.m. but it gave me the opportunity to catch up on Days of Our Lives which broadcasts the episode from the day before at 4-5 a.m. I fell asleep again before it was over and slept soundly until 8 am. I plan a nap before too long today. Actually, I am going to have a nap right now as I am feeling a little lightheaded.

It is now 7ish and Jack brought in dinner so I just put it in the oven to heat. Last night I tried to teach him how to make bake potatoes and baked salmon (plain, just a little butter, salt, pepper and lemon zest.) He listened and I went back to bed. After an hour, I did not smell anything cooking so I went to check and the food was untouched. I wound up cooking this simple meal. I really worry about what will happen when I am unable to cook for a few weeks? How much take out can you eat? Ugh. Anyway, I am glad to have it tonight as it will be quick and filling.

The joke of today was that at about 5:30, the admitting department from MSK called to tell me what time my surgery was tomorrow. The fellow at the other end simply would not take my word for the fact that the surgery was cancelled. He wasn't very happy with me. ME, you know, the patient. He wanted to know who told me it was cancelled. I told him Dr. Pancreas and if he was still having a problem with this cancellation, he should get in touch with Dr. Pancreas. It was the first unpleasant person I've dealt with at this hospital - I could not believe he was actually arguing with me about whether or not I was having surgery tomorrow. He should only have known how disappointed I was that the surgery was cancelled. I hope he has the opportunity to call me next week with a time for surgery!

That's about it for today. I just had a phone call from a friend and we chatted for quite a long time. It was a good visit!

If you have a chance, take a look at Sween in the Bean which you can get to by clicking on it. Kate is so creative and has made a great holiday video which guarantee will bring a big smile to your face.

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

And the Roller Coaster Continues

Weather today unusually warm and a little overcast for December 9th. Looks like September will be cloudy and warm.

Thanks to all of you who telephoned. The biopsy went off on schedule this morning but the twilight drugs are still in my system. I am exhausted and am up because my caretaker came to check if I was ok - poor Jack is not the most gentle questioner of the state of your health. Needless to say, I was in an extremely deep and soothing sleep as I was extremely nauseous all the way home in the car and fought the urge to make Jack pull over to the side of the road. However, when I got in the door at home and rushed down the hallway, all bets and courtesies were off. But it did make me feel better so I could eat a little toast and fall into a deep sleep during the Ellen show. The TV makes a good white noise so I did not hear the phone ringing (it is shut off in the bedroom.) I am really too tired to talk but am so grateful to you all for your support - it was good for Jack, too.

The biopsy, for which I was completely awake but very relaxed, was not a piece of cake but it was not as horrible as I had imagined. Let's say I got a whole lot of souls out of Purgatory and Dr. Ann Something said I was one of her best patients and tolerated any discomfort without making a fuss....too busy thinking of those souls. (See blog of November 2 for further details on my relationship with Purgatory.) Dr. Ann said there was no way there would be any hint of results today and we would be lucky if we heard anything by Friday.

When we left the hospital, the Dr. Pancreas still felt surgery would take place on Thursday with a work up tomorrow morning and a meeting with him. HOWEVER, a few minutes ago (which is what actually got me out of bed) is that he has rethought his position and the surgery will NOT take place on Thursday because he feels it is wiser to wait for the biopsy results. Duh. So, down the roller coaster again. We have to wait until Friday (if we are lucky) and hopefully, the surgery will be next week unless the lung biopsy shows malignancy. Then I believe it will be a course of chemo - still haven't clarified that but Karen and both are sure that is what the doctor said at our initial meeting although he was so certain it was just the pancreas. So, back to the Hands of the Major Surgeon who takes care of us all.

Believe!

As always, love from me to you.

Blue Monday

Yesterday the weather was cold, wet, snowy and miserable, so it doesn't look like July is going to be such a great month....maybe rainy and very, very hot! Today it was not windy and fairly clear but chilly - not as bad as yesterday so maybe August will be temperate and clear.

Bad news today. I hope St. Therese tunes back in to my woes very soon. (And I was so excited to see a church name for St. Catherine of Siena - my confirmation patron saint - right next door to MSK. I told Jack it was a sign for good things and I hope I am correct!)

I spent the day at MSK getting ready for surgery on Thursday and hand delivered my prior CT and PT scans for comparison to the new one taken last week. Wellllllll, the new one did show a slight change so the lung needle biopsy is back on for 6:30 a.m. tomorrow morning. If there is no malignancy in the lung, then the pancreas surgery will be on Thursday. If the lung is malignant, there will not be surgery and I'm not sure what procedure will follow but I believe I was told chemo, chemo, chemo at one point. I am so confused and upset at this moment that I really don't know the answer but will know more tomorrow. We were at MSK from 10:30 a.m. this morning until 3 p.m. between examinations, echo cardiograms, waiting, news gathering.......I am so exhausted and have to get up at 4:30 a.m. to get to the city on time. Poor Jack, he drove someone into Manhattan tonight and has no idea what time he will be home. I hope he can catch some zzzzzzs while waiting for these people.

The weekend was great fun enjoying my Gingie Girl, Agnes Rose, who grows smarter and cuter by the hour. I can't wait for her to wow her grandparents and aunts and uncles in Wisconsin. I know how they will enjoy her merry disposition and be so proud of her antics. Of course, as I always say, we always think our own ducks are swans! The weekend was also fun because I did not think I was going to have the biopsy tomorrow and figured by next weekend I'd have all the surgery behind me. I must remain optimistic at least through tomorrow's news. They will give me the results right after the biopsy so I'll know whether the surgery will be on Thursday or what new plan will be put into motion.

One thing for sure, this b.s. about early detection is a myth. The pancreatic mass could not have been detected earlier and it has been 2 1/2 months and it is still wreaking havoc. I have been sorely tempted to grab a can opener and remove it myself (if only it were that simple.)

So, pray for me tomorrow and help me hope for the best. I'll let you know as soon as I do. Thanks for listening!

Believe! (Even though it is hard on some days.)

As always, love from me to you!

Saturday, Plain and Simple

Oh happy day! Gingie Girl is on her way to visit and I have to meet the train in about an hour. Her mother is coming with her and her dad will come later on after rehearsal for "Amahl and the Night Visitors" which he is singing in at their church. I happen to love Amahl (I'm not so crazy for the Messiah - I like to chorus parts but it just goes on and on with all those soloists, ugh) but I will miss it this year. I hope Joe performs in it again next year as he gives a great performance. I am a little jealous as I would love to be acting and singing in a play this year and I hope those days are not over forever! I still think Mama Rose is waiting for me somewhere or even Bloody Mary at this point!

The weather today on December 6th is clear but the winter cold has finally arrived. I guess June will be a pretty month, clear and seasonable. Tomorrow it is supposed to snow so July may be on the inclement side - we'll see how tomorrow's weather actually is!

I deleted my column on St. Therese by accident and did not know it until my friend Jackie sent me an e-mail this morning. Again, I am ever grateful for the folks who really do read this blog. It makes me feel very connected to all of you and I feel your positive energy lifting me up!

Gotta' go get my dose of sunshine at the train.

As always, love from me to you!

St. Therese, The Little Flower

There are many of you who might scoff at what I am about to tell you and say it is coincidence. Maybe it is. There are also many of you who will see this story as a gift of faith. At this juncture, I go with the latter.

A friend I have not heard from directly in many years sent me a healing mass card this week. In it was a novena to St. Therese of the Child Jesus, also called the Little Flower of Jesus. When I was a child, we learned all about St. Therese, the Little Flower and one of the good Sisters of St. Joseph wrote a book about her life and came to speak to us in class - maybe third grade or fourth. I remember my mother bought the book and the author signed it for me. I haven't given St. Therese a lot of thought, lately, except when I received countless e-mails with novenas to her in them to be passed on (and you all have read how I love these chains!) There was something which pulled me to this card and so deeply touched me that I prayed the novena prayer to her and have been continuing this prayer. St. Therese, who died at 24 in 1897, promised she would "let fall a shower of roses" to let you know of her intercession on your behalf.

Yesterday afternoon, I was cleaning out flowers that were fresh for Thanksgiving but ready for tossing out. As I started to throw out the flowers, I noticed that one bouquet had red roses tucked in the center (which I had not seen earlier.) They were deep red (my favorite), their fragrance beautiful and the velvet petals still moist with dew. I did not think much about it at that moment but put them in a vase along with a few other peaked blooms which could survive another day.

Towards six o'clock in the evening the phone rang. It was the nurse from MSK saying that they needed a few more old CAT and PT scans to compare with the new one of my lung but that they felt very strongly that the lung had stabilized and were going ahead to schedule my pancreatic surgery for Thursday, December 11. So Jack and I went to pick up these CDs this afternoon and I will take them in to MSK when I go in on Monday. (If my appointment is canceled, I will overnight these tomorrow.) Unless something else shows up on Monday, there will be no lung biopsy and by next week this time, I will be on the road back to good health.

My novena prayer was to let this pancreatic cancer not be a result of the lung cancer spreading. I prayed I would not have to have the lung biopsy and that the surgery to remove the current growth in my pancreas happen as soon as possible.

I believe in miracles and signs. I am thankful to the Little Flower for her intercession and with this day's blog, I hope I am spreading her news!

I will never look at a rose in quite the same way again.

Believe!

As always, love from me to you.

Playing Catch Up for Yesterday and Today

Sorry for all you who missed my blog yesterday but some days there just isn't that much to say or a nap gets in the way. It was actually the nap who was the culprit yesterday. First, sticking to my Twelve Days of Weather, the 4th (April) was cloudy and a bit dripping but a tad warmer than usual and today, the 5th (May) looks to be clear but cooler than usual.

I had planned to sit down and write my blog about the good time I had with the gals on Wednesday night but that will have to wait until tomorrow. I was sidetracked.

Last evening around six, the phone rang and it was the nurse from MSK with the good news that after careful study of the tissue samples and the CAT scans they had, it appears that my lung is stable and that there is no metastasis to the pancreas. However, before you do your happy dance, I must send them - overnight today - copies of the CDs of my tests for the last year just so they can do another comparison to make absolutely sure it is just the pancreas.

Of course, I have not been able to reach anyone at the diagnostic place who are holding my CDs captive at the moment. I am expecting a call back and if I don't get one soon, I will be get in their face this afternoon. It is distressing because if I get these things to MSK on time, the lung biopsy will be canceled on Tuesday (thank God) and the pancreatic mass will be removed on Thursday so all this waiting and worrying about it sending its tentacles out into my other organs will be over and I will be on the road to recovery. I am trying to be patient as it has only been 1/2 hour since I called and left a very urgent message on voice mail. I know in my head that I am not the only person these health service providers are dealing with but in my heart, and perhaps selfishly, I want my own needs treated as the most important at the moment!

Who would ever think that a person would be joyously awaiting the news that lung cancer had not spread and that her pancreatic tail and spleen would be removed within the week? There is something very warped in this but it would be the answer to my prayers to know that the lung is not spreading and that the pancreatic tumor can be removed and stopped in its tracks as well!

I'll put in another posting today if there is more to report.

Keep praying.

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

Just Rambling On Today

The weather is delightful for December 3 so I guess we will be having a mild March. If only these weather prophecies come true, it will be a mild winter. We'll see.

There is not much to report today as it is, thankfully, a lazy day. Good day for taking a nap! This evening I will be dining with two good pals who always make me laugh. They are both Irish so naturally, we have to go eat pasta somewhere. Cracks me up as I grew up in an Italian household and pasta is not at the top of my list. My mother rarely made it - sometimes on Sunday - and to her horror, I never liked the "gravy" but preferred butter. Now a good olive oil and some garlic will do! Joan and Bill make the best gravy - now that I have grown up and have decided to like it. You all know how that goes. I have a long list of things I would not eat as a kid or young person that I now crave including a good red sauce!

I had planned to put some photos of Jack and Kate in this posting but am back to struggling with it and am too sleepy at the moment (2:20 p.m.) to look back at Kate's directions. Perhaps later or tomorrow when I have more patience. Right now, I'm heading into a sunny spot on my bed for a catnap - or maybe a little longer than a catnap. Retirement has its pluses!

As always, love from me to you!

Thanksgiving Photos at Last!

Everyone thinks Papa did all the cooking but I have the hat to prove I helped!

Maybe if I pinch him, he'll go away!

Grandpa Sweeney sure has the largest wild turkey I've ever seen!

What in the world is that on the counter?
Was Lucy Riccardo here baking during the night?

A million thanks to Kate for e-mailing me simple directions for posting the photos! Sorry they are not in very good order but you get the gist, I'm sure!

As always, love from me to you!

Return to My Good Place

Today, December 2 (February) was a clear and seasonable day so February should be pretty nice according to our old family customs.....we'll see!

Had a call from the doctor at MSK and my labs were all good but they are still working on the comparative slides and the results of the CAT scan from yesterday. I was going to wait until the end of the week to call so it was a great relief to get the call from them telling me they were on top of it all and would let me know as things continue to transpire at their end.

I'm feeling a little smug and big headed today as I sent my blog to author Judith Kelman who, along with several to professional writers, is running a wonderful workshop called Visible Ink at MSK to encourage the patients to use writing as therapy. The level of the writing ability does not matter, what matters is that it encourages folks to get their feelings out on paper. The program is free and will link you up with a professional writer who will guide you through whatever it is you wish to write. I think it is a great idea to encourage people to write. Anyway, she first answered my e-mail with a lovely note thanking me for sending it and asking if I was interested in joining the workshop. A little while later, she sent another e-mail praising my blog about its honesty, interest - well, even though I'd like to bore you with the details, suffice it to say I am thrilled to have an author of her caliber even acknowledging my e-mail never mind praising my writing. In the world of "If only", if only someone had heaped this praise years ago and encouraged me to follow my dream of being a journalist instead of getting a job as a keypunch operator at the local phone company. To be fair, I have always written but it always seemed to be ghost writing for someone else - college papers, executive letters, customer service letters, newsletters.......I did have several columns in local newspapers for a few years but that was considered "covering the rubber chicken circuit." Too bad my skin was so thin! It is quite a bit thicker these days! I think the lesson to be learned here is that we must do everything in our power to encourage someone's dream no matter what it is. Maybe this current crisis is a push in the direction of finally confronting my own dreams - although I think playing Ado Annie is out but there is always Mama Rose, isn't there?

I still have not figured out how to put the photos from Thanksgiving in this blog. When I began the blog, I could do it but those brain cells seem to have become clogged. I am going to continue trying to figure the whole thing out. I refuse to be thwarted by an obstinate computer.

Incidentally, two of my pet peeves happened today.....the first was receiving one of those "jinx" e-mails that if I didn't send it on (and it had Jesus on it, what was I to do?) I would have terrible things happen to me. I did not want to take a chance although it gave me the hibbie jibbies. Again I am begging you all not to send these chains to me - I don't think any of you want to cause me any more stress....the second was while I was on the phone with MSK getting information regarding my biopsy and call waiting - which I ignored - started beeping. Whoever it was continued to ring the phone for almost five minutes - five minutes of that damn beep while I'm dealing with a life or death matter. For goodness sake, if the machine does not pick up after four rings, someone is on the phone who does not think your call is important enough to put vital information on hold. Give it up after four or five rings you are being extremely insensitive and rude. Usually the offending party shows on the tv screen but this time it did not. I wish I knew who it was because I would not be blogging about it, I would be complaining on the telephone!

Although I had a rough week or so, I feel like I am climbing back to my good place. Thanks for helping me get there.

As always, love from me to you.

....and so begins December!

Here it is December 1 already. My mother, and her mother before her and maybe even further back than that, used to keep a calendar of the weather the first twelve days of December. They used it as a fairly accurate forecast of the weather to come in the new year. For example, today represented January (1st day) and January looks like it will be mostly clear and unseasonably warm. We'll see what February will be like tomorrow. I don't vouch for the validity of it all, but it was fun and a happy memory so this year, I am going to try and complete the 12 days - I always get off track after 3 or 4 days!

Today I was at Memorial Sloan Kettering, which will be referred to as MSK from now on. Jack and I left the house at 6:30 am to beat the traffic and there was very little to beat. We arrived at 7:30 so I was quickly ushered in to the lab for my blood tests; I was an hour early for my CAT scan but they took me right away and then a quick EKG. We left the hospital at 9:15 - five minutes later than my original 9:10 appointment. Sometimes it pays to be really, really early! Now we will await the results. Incidentally, the staff at MSK are incredibly kind as well as efficient. One gets a great sense of security from them.

Since we were so early, Jack called his eye doctor and wangled an immediate appointment. He walked the ten blocks back and forth while I sat by the elevator bank at MSK reading.....and observing all the people coming and going. People from every walk of life, ethnic background, age - all with one common link. It was a poignant hour for me and I hope I can carry on with some of the great dignity and grace I witnessed today.

I want to thank Joe for all his support and hard work this past week. There is no way to adequately thank him, so I will keep it simple and say Thanksgiving would not have been as lovely without his kindness and talents given so readily. Karen and Kate were no slouches either but it was extra special to have a man who can actually cook in the kitchen! I must give a shout out to John and Gladys DeMerit who raised this boy into the wonderful man he is.

My Gingie Girl was darling and today I asked Jack what he thought the cutest thing she did was and he replied, "Everything!" I thought that was so sweet - and of course, I agree!

I know I promised photos today but I just can't figure out how to get them into this blog even though Kate has tried to explain it to me over the telephone. I guess I am so tired, my brain is not functioning properly. If I can't cut and paste, I'm lost. I'm gonna' give it one more try.......fugedaboudit. I just can't do it tonight!

As always, love from me to you!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Well, it is almost 11 pm and Joe, Karen and Kate are putting the final touches on the Thanksgiving Feast. I am so tired, I can hardly keep my eyes open and I did little more than supervise - well, maybe a little cooking but not much. I did have fun keeping an eye on Gingie Girl but she moves a little too quickly for me! Actually, I stepped on her poor little hand today as she was behind me on the floor and I did not know it - I don't know who cried more, the baby or me. I felt terrible but she was so shocked to see me start crying, she stopped and came over to pat me. Her hand was fine, thank goodness. One really forgets how quickly these little ones can change position.

Jack has been doing all the running around and shopping, etc. We all have special requests and chores for him. Tonight he put the giant, inflatable turkey up on the front lawn - I'm not sure how the neighbors feel about it but I know he is excited for Agnes to see it tomorrow morning. Funny how your ideas change, when he got this thing a few years back, I had a fit. This year I could not wait for him to inflate it. I'll try to take a photo tomorrow and post it.

Happy Birthday to Mary Linn.......Happy Thanksgiving to you all as it will be Thanksgiving before you read this.

God bless us everyone!

As always, love from me to you!

P.M. P.S.

Just an update since I wrote early today.....the staff at Sloan have arranged a chest CT scan, blood work and a EKG for Monday. A lung biopsy will be performed on December 9. Depending on the results of that biopsy, my course of treatment will be decided. If the lung cancer has metastasized, then it will be chemo, chemo, chemo; if it is plain old pancreatic cancer, then surgery will follow pretty soon after the results are in. Incidentally, the staff at Sloan called this afternoon to tell me the slides finally arrived. Woot!

As always, love from me to you.

Pilgrim's Progress

I knew when I awoke this morning from a dream where I had no hair but looked exactly like Audrey Hepburn that this would be a better day than yesterday! My first phone call was from Joe who is bringing my Gingie Girl early this afternoon........Joe is coming today to help prepare for Thanksgiving. How many people can brag about a son-in-law like that? Karen will join us tonight and hopefully the rain will stop by then so we can cook dinner out on the grill.....it is always so much quicker and easier to cook outside.

My second phone call was from Sloan Kettering. They have not received the slides yet but hopefully they will arrive today. Ann from Sloan called to say they would like to do another CT scan and a lung biopsy at Sloan to be absolutely certain what the type of cancer actually is as the debate still goes on. It is a relief to know that these procedures will be done as soon as possible. They will set them up and then tell me when they are. It will be within the next week for sure as I have been told not to take any aspirin or blood thinners. Sloan understands the need for quickly moving the procedure along. Ann was very understanding of my fears and frustrations. So, I rejoice that some progress is being made and that I will soon be in some type of treatment. What that will be still remains to be seen but I am back to being optimistic about the outcome as well as fearful of the process. Did you ever feel happy and sad at the same time? That about sums it up.

Today I will be having a Starbucks coffee - latte venti and a piece of pastry - to celebrate this good news with Crone McMahon. I will also be able to introduce Gingie Girl to this Crone which will give me great pleasure.

Now I am going to try to get an appointment for a really short, Audrey Hepburn type pixie haircut before Thanksgiving. I will keep you posted as this latest news unfolds.

I'm back to

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

Spice in my Life, My Gingie Girl

Monday, Monday - gotta hate that day although maybe we should love each day in spite of its potential for disaster.

I had a delightful weekend with my family, including Agnes Rose who was adorable in her red and white polka dot blanket sleeper with a gingerbread girl on the breast and has now been nicknamed (by me) Gingie Girl which sort of goes with her gingery/honey blond hair. I thought her Mama would save this for Christmas Eve in Wisconsin but Mama feels she may outgrow it too quickly. (I think Mama was being sensitive and knew I wanted to see Gingie Girl in this snugly outfit and I appreciated the surprise.) While her Papa babysat Agnes, Grandpa, Aunt Kate, Mama and Nana set off to shop for a Christmas outfit for Gingie Girl. First we went to Lord & Taylors but they had very little choice so we rushed off to Macy's to catch their sale. Good thing Grandpa came along as he did his usual dazzling coupon dance and managed to purchase three outfits for almost $10 less than one of them cost orginally. Wow! this was a major coup and we were home in an hour! Macy's had the outfits marked anywhere from 30 to 70% off but Gingie Girl got a 100% discount thanks to Grandpa - this is a good way to shop.

It is hard to imagine that Thanksgiving is three days away and one thing I am really thankful for is that Joe, Karen and Kate will be help cook again this year. Yesterday, we were discussing various menus and as long as the stuffing remains the "traditional" one (that means the one I make) and the gravy remains the same (especially for Joan who loves this thickened pot of vegetable soup which contains some of the turkey drippings and chicken broth), and the turkey is big enough for all of us, Joe will be experimenting with a few new vegetable recipes. Mmmm! I can be the chief sampler - especially the special sweet potato dish he has in mind.

Now to my Monday morning........

I was relieved and happy all weekend to know that my slides were finally off to Sloan on FRIDAY as that is what I was assured when I called and that Sloan would have them today and hopefully I would have an answer sometime before the week's end. NO SUCH LUCK. This morning, G called from NSUH to ask for my credit card number again as they were GOING TO SEND THE SLIDES TODAY - MONDAY . Even though I was told they were mailed Friday, today I was told they were not mailed Friday because they did not want them to sit in the mailroom over the weekend. One would have to think that a mailroom in a hospital like Sloan Kettering would refrigerate or have a special way of handling this type of sitution. I have to admit I lost my cool and got very, very angry. I was so angry and tried very hard to control it, I have a pain in my chest and this happened an hour ago. G said that I ASKED FOR THE WRONG SLIDES the first time.....I just checked the letter I sent and I see that I did not specifically ask for pancreatic slides (since I am not a pathologist) but simply asked them to send slides of my recent EUS biopsy - therein was my mistake - thinking that since it was a PANCREATIC BIOPSY THAT PANCREATIC CELLS WOULD BE SENT. Obviously I was wrong - someone just suggested that I should have picked them up and delivered them myself but they could have given me slides of Pinocchio's nose and I would not have known the difference. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? Well, the one thing it has clarified for me is that if I have to have another biopsy done on my pancreas or on my lung or any other part of my voluptuous being, I will have it done at Sloan. I feel betrayed by a hospital that I have had a wonderful relationship with for almost 40 years - ever since my ankle was set there on my wedding day and it was still called Manhasset Hospital. Would I really have another biopsy there with a pathology department that is causing me such extended upset?

I've been trying to put a good face on this but truthfully, I am terrified. My initial PT scan was on October 3 - it is now November 24 - it will be 2 full months before I am diagnosed because weeks have been lost with these mistakes in mailing the correct slides. When you are dealing with pancreatic cancer - even though mine is in a "good" place and probably curable (at least in October when the first scan was taken), I have lost 2 months - TWO MONTHS of my life waiting for a decision on a disease that has the potential to kill you in six months. (I watch the commercials for the Lustgarten Foundation, too.) In this litigious society, my first inclination is to call my attorney and see if this incompetence can be addressed legally but I know once I cool down and know that the slides are where they should be - eventually - tomorrow, I hope, I won't do a damn thing because I am too tired and too worried and too sad.

Sorry to dump all this on you today but I am alone at the moment and instead of screaming and banging my head against the wall, I turn to my earthbound source of strength of courage. You.

Thanks for listening.

As always, love from me to you.

Favorite Author's Newest Book

Life is filled with ironies. I have been reading - non-stop - one of my favorite authors - Anne Rivers Siddons. I was so happy to find her new book Off Season and have had my nose stuck in it for several days now. One of the reviewers says that you don't just read her books, you dwell in them. This is so true and I have loved her since Shirley loaned me Outerbanks ten or twelve years ago when I was visiting Shirley and W and had nothing to read. Well, the reason I am compelled to share this information with you is that I am mid-way through this great book and the plot unexpectedly turns to the protagonist's mother dying of cancer. Sorry to ruin the book for anyone of you who wishes to read it, but she dies. Dead. I just left the funeral service with tears running down my face for this poor woman. Only me - I would be the only person I know who would become so deeply engrossed in a book to take my mind off my current woes and find out that one of my favorite characters - one that I pictured as myself from the beginning of the book - dies of cancer. First, of course, there are several chapters of her battle with chemo - then BAM - off she goes into the Light. Don't let this stop you from reading this or any other book by this incredible author. It just tickled my very warped funny bone.....and it was breast cancer and it was in the early sixties so times and treatments have changed considerably in the last forty years and I don't plan on entering the Light anytime soon (been there, done that once before - not worth the trip again so soon.)

Kate is coming in from Boston by bus tonight. She is making the trip to spend some extra time with us and Agnes since next weekend will be a busy one for her - ten year high school reunion on Friday and a wedding back in Massachusetts on Saturday. No moss grows under her feet for sure!

I called Sloan and they did not receive the slides so I called NSUH. The slides went out this morning (Friday) which means they won't be read until Tuesday or Wednesday. I am frustrated that I won't have an answer until after Thanksgiving - and, it frightens me to think that two more weeks are wasted while malignant cells continue to party in my pancreas and lungs. I am so exhausted and I'm sure it is because I am not sleeping through the night and cannot think of anything but this party going on inside me. Seeing Kate, Karen, Agnes and Joe this weekend will take my mind off things.

There is no doubt in my mind that I will win this battle, I'd just like to know who the enemy is and what tools will be used in combat. My warriors are all lined up, capes ready!

If you don't hear from me over the weekend, I may be on hiatus enjoying the family visit.

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

Pas de Deux

Two blogs in one day......

I did not want today to go by without a Happy Birthday greeting to my godson, Ted. The day he was born was one of those memories that burn into your brain and you can recall with total clarity.

The kids today would find it hard to believe but I was a freshman in high school and very excited about the impending birth of this baby whom I knew would be my godchild. I was so thrilled. It was lunchtime at school and I had to go to the Principal's office to ask for special permission to use my own dime in one of the two public pay phones in the building to call home to see if the baby had been born. Talk about oppression! Can you imagine a world where you had to GET PERMISSION to make a phone call on a public phone to your own home? Well, that's the world in which some of my Crones and Miss Brodie were raised.

Anyway, that beautiful baby boy is all grown up and a great guy. Hard to believe 47 years have passed, though!

Happy Birthday!

As always, love from me to you!

Simon Says Take One Step Back

I awoke this morning with a feeling of relief as some progress has been made in the battle. The pathology slides were in the hands of those at Sloan who would ultimately make the decision as to what course of action will be taken. I feel calmer knowing that a firm decision will be made within a few days and some type of action will take place in two weeks or so be it surgery, chemo or whatever the specialists decide. I feel, ironically, free - free because even though it is my battle, I can stop worrying about the battle plan for a little while and just relax. Ha.

The phone rang. So much for relaxation....it was the nurse from Sloan saying the slides they received yesterday were from my stomach not from my pancreas. NSUH had sent the WRONG slides - and incidentally, just mentioned in passing, my stomach seems inflamed. I did not even ask a question about that as I was so astounded that this mix up had occurred....after all, we are dealing with someone's life here. These are keys to a diagnosis which could spell life or death - not paint chips.

So, of course, my first reaction is total outrage and I call NSUH pathology department and I GET A RECORDING with a menu - nothing which will guide me to a human to correct this major problem. (At least major to me.) I hang up and fume for a few minutes (feeling that inflamed stomach starting to heat up) and decide to call my Onco Man who is my hero as are the gals in his office who are such incredible human beings. The gal I needed most was not in yet but would call as soon as she arrived. I did explain what I needed to speak to her about.

Then my brain kicked in and I called the general hospital number for NSUH and asked to speak to a HUMAN in the pathology department....actually, I did have a first name but wanted any human at this point. BINGO. Got through on the first try to the gal who had been so helpful for the past two days - except she sent the wrong slides. Last night I faxed her to send lung slides as well so a comparison could be made so there was a little confusion as to what I was talking about. Finally, in my calmest voice, I said - Stop talking and listen to what I am saying. The slides you sent to Sloan which they received yesterday were incorrect. They were slides from my stomach and I am being diagnosed for pancreatic cancer. The biopsy was on my pancreas - my permission note clearly stated PANCREATIC slides. You are a very kind person but you made a mistake and I need you to fix it - NOW, TODAY. She finally got it and said I needed - pay attention to this - to speak to someone in another part of the pathology department who had the pancreas stuff. She was working on my lung stuff and after I explained my pancreas request to this other person, they would send the slides together as quickly as possible. Before I could say pancreatic cancer, I was switched to the cytology area of the pathology department. I spoke to another very nice woman who understood my problem after only 2 repeats of the explanation (and English was not a second language for either of us.) I think it was when I burst into tears and said I could be dead of this disease before anyone at NSUH got the correct slides to Sloan that she grasped the true nature of the problem. (A little dramatic, perhaps, but it worked and it was a truthful assessment on my part at the moment. Although I was so upset, I could have had a heart attack and saved a whole lot of stress.) She assured me she would do her part this morning and bring the pancreatic slides over to the other side of the room where my lung slides would be waiting to be reunited with their old friends and they would be mailed together - hopefully today. I cried a little harder and begged her to make sure they would be mailed today. She said she would do her part but Lung Woman had to do her part as well. Considering Lung Woman already screwed up, I can only hope she would give it her all. Pancreas Woman gave me her direct phone number and said she or Lung Woman would call when they were ready and in the overnight mail. I'm sure one of them will call for my credit card number - at $25 a pop for mailing, this is a booming business. All of this happened between 9 and 10:30 and it is now 1:15 and I still haven't heard that the limo had been called for transporting my slides.

What I learned in all of this was that even though I was burning with fury over the mistake, it was important to remain calm and understand that mistakes can happen. I stayed as calm and sweet as possible because the older I get, the more I realize that people - even those who have made your life a nightmare - are better help to you if you make them your friend. There are enough people willing to yell and scream and I really don't want to be one of them.

Now, the reason I had such a big reaction to this mix up is that there is a totally diverse opinion between Onco Man and the Pancreas Pooh Bah - one still thinks it is lung cancer in the state of metastasis and the other is totally convinced there is nothing new in the lung and that the pancreas mass is a pancreatic cancer not related to the lung and that it is in a very early stage, miraculous in being found so soon and easily removed along with the spleen and surrounding lymph nodes. These two will talk among themselves. I have a great deal of respect for both of them so I will wait and see what happens next. However, the pathology slides are the key!

I am too keyed up (no pun intended) to continue for today.

Believe! Pray!

As always, love from me to you!

Maybe, Maybe Not

First things first......my young friend Michelle has started an on line magazine about beer. The website is http://www.biermagazine.com/ and I'd like those of you interested in this particular beverage to check it out.

Now, we had a long afternoon at Sloan Kettering and still do not have a definite answer although the Pancreatic Pooh Bah is convinced the growth is a small, pancreatic cancer in an early stage which can be removed surgically within the next few weeks. The only snag right now is that they must be absolutely certain it is a pancreatic cancer and not a metastasis from the lung. Yet again, slices of my lung biopsy from two years ago must be sent to Sloan to be compared with the ones of my pancreas sent the other yesterday. I should know something definitive within a few days and if it is the pancreas alone, surgery will be done in about two weeks. So, keep you prayers going. I know it must seem odd to pray that it is a pancreatic cancer but it is one that is contained and easily - ha, easily - removed. I keep reminding myself that pain is finite and eventually goes away. If it is the lung metastasizing, then I'm in for a long battle with chemo, etc.

Forgive me for being so short this evening but I am sooo tired.

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!