Time for Sleeping!

It is going on to ten at night and I am usually snuggled into my flannel sheets by now!  I just watched the first episode of Downton Abbey - AGAIN - and enjoyed it so much I can't think about sleeping at the moment.  Thought I'd drop a line to you all.

My mother has been on my mind today.  Perhaps it is the upcoming Christmas holiday or the great sadness we were all feeling this weekend for the families of Newtown.  I even felt sad for the news anchors who had to report on this tragedy.  They were really struggling - and some were old veterans of terrible news reports.  I was thinking how my mother would have reacted to this news.  Her heart would have broken.  One of the last acts of horror that she and I shared before the dementia won the battle was 9/11.  My mother saw a lot in her 101 years.  There was little that could shock her.

Yesterday Karen, Agnes, Bernadette and I visited Virginia.  Her recovery from her knee replacement is nothing short of miraculous.  She is really amazing two short weeks past the surgery.  She's made some decorating changes in her house and I think it looks like a magazine ad.  She is so creative and has such a good eye for color and placement.  She could have been an interior designer for sure.  I'll be the people she has helped as a Nursing Administrator would have missed her skills in that field if she chose something else.  Do I admire her?  You bet.  Virginia and her sister, Eileen, have been my friends for 60 years.  I don't know what I would have done without them in my life.  They have stood by me through sunshine and storms. 

Jack brought in a Panetone tonight.  That is an Italian yeast cake/bread (sort of the Italian version of German stoellen) and I toasted a piece for myself, smothered it with butter and ate it just before I sat down here.   Even though I washed my hands, I can still smell the lovely orange/yeasty scent.....makes me want another piece but I will wait until breakfast and then maybe reward myself with two slices.......

I will be praying this week for the families in Connecticut as well as everyone suffering in heart, soul or body.  I pray especially that God blesses you with peace of heart.

Believe!

As always, love from me to you.

Past, Present, Future

Yesterday as I dressed to meet the girls for lunch (girls being my high school buddies, Marie, Pat and  Janice) I  was half listening to a news report about a potential shooting in Connecticut.  I honestly wasn't paying that much attention as my head and heart were filled with the happy memories of the Christmas Concert the night before at Agnes' parochial school.  It thrilled me to the core and brought back all the Christmas concerts (and St. Paddy's Day Concerts) at St. Ann's.  All the faces and places, all the sounds of Christmas carols and holiday songs as the good nuns produced winter wonderlands for each class.  I remember "Winter Wonderland" and a dance with a boy partner in second grade - oh, my!  His name was Michael and sadly, he was battling a childhood cancer at a time when there was no cure.  I think of him every Christmas season and remembered him as I listened to the children singing.  I watched the music teacher playing the piano but it wasn't her that I saw but Dorothy Forbes, Kay Wardach or for a short time a nun whose name escapes me but who had been blessed with the most beautiful hands and long fingers.  Hands  my mother would always call "piano hands."  I was thinking of the hours and hours that Mrs. Forbes and Mrs. Wardach donated to our school to rehearse and accompany our final performances.  What a gift to us!  What patience.  Although after seeing the children's happiness the other night I realized we must have also been adorable at that time in our lives!

Lunch was the great fun it always is when we get together - a little more festive because of the Christmas season.  Remembering Christmas past and planning Christmas present - and asking softly for the gift of Christmas future - we were totally oblivious to what was going on in our neighboring state of Connecticut.

Marie drove me home (I am not allowed to drive until February although there is no record that I had a seizure - I guess I am on my  honor.)  As I entered the house I turned on the television as is my habit and at that moment my heart broke.  How could this be?  How could someone shoot these innocent babies as they sat in their classrooms?  Can we pray hard enough to bring some comfort to these families?  Can we pray hard enough to bring comfort to ourselves?  Even writing this now, a pain starts near my heart.  I've seen this pain up close when two young men not yet 20 died three months apart - young men who were the sons of two close friends of mine.  I'd seen these boys grow to manhood and loved them dearly.  I still miss them and it has been eleven years.  I can only imagine how their parents feel.  And now this - the Governor of Connecticut has it right when he says EVIL has visited that town.   Evil seems to be visiting many places.  We need to turn back to God. 

I have been very concerned with my own health issues.  This was a strong reminder that none of us know when our time on earth will end.  That is in God's Hands.  We can only live each day with love and forgiveness;  kindness and gratitude.  I believe that the children's Guardian Angels wrapped them in their wings and protected them from fear during their last moments on this earth.  I know a tender and loving Father greeted them on the other side.  May that same tender Father  send comfort and peace to their families. 

Although it is sometimes very hard.....

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

Missing You

Sorry I can't tell you the weather for the rest of December as I lost track.  I am praying for a beautiful August 18!

Still a little short winded but it does seem to be a side effect of the chemo.  I'm just going to ride it out.   I feel bad for Jack as I am good for little more than holding the chair down with my rear end, pushing the remote and folding the wash.  I did manage to put dinner in the oven tonight so while it cooks, I am sitting here with you .... and watching clips from Downton Abbey!  My favorite show which I take credit for alerting all of  my pals about.  I caught it by accident the first night it was on and shouted the good news about this show immediately afterward.  Glad to see that I was not alone in my love of this show.  Can't wait for the third installment and I learned today there will be a fourth!  Class wins - so beautiful without making love and life ugly like network tv.  I've grown addicted to PBS and except for a few shows, I watch very little network tv.  Parenthood is the exception as I think it is an exceptional show.

Plans for Kate and Ben's wedding are perking along.  They are working hard on the details.   I can hardly wait for Kate to arrive after Christmas as we are going to look at wedding dresses!  That is surely one of the joys of motherhood.  I've been practicing crying while watching Say Yes to the Dress!

Jack has brought in the Christmas decorations which I plan to keep  minimal this year.  The tree is always so pretty and I'm glad that we finally got a real fake one with lights already on it last year.  The pine has been setting off bronchial infections for me.  We do have 2 real wreathes over the fireplaces although I don't  notice any aroma from them this year.  They look pretty, though.  I will put my elves on the hutch as I've had those since I was a child and then I'm giving them to Kate to take.  I gave Karen a nativity that I made in my ceramic phase when she was an infant and we've used it ever since.  Now it will grace her home.  My Dicken's Carolers have also moved to the DeMerit household although they will be shared if Kate wants any.  It is exciting to put the stuff out but putting it away takes on a different face!  I know Kate shares my love for the elves.  I'm not happy with the book, Elf on a Shelf, as I think it makes the elf look like a tattletale.  Elves are happy helpers not running off to the  North Pole to report on naughty or nice.  I would always have had a stocking full of coal if that were the case!  We had a lot of elves as my mother would put them around, too.

Today I decided to stick to decaf to calm me down a bit.  Well, I had 2 cups of Tully's House Blend Decaf at 7:30 am and at 10 a.m. fell asleep in the chair for over 2 hours!  Guess I have to go through the learning curve.

Smells like the chicken is done so off I go. 

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

Missing in Action

Sorry I have been missing in action for the past week but instead of recording the weather, I have been under it.  I am still not up to myself so I will ask you to escuse me until whatever virus ails me hits the road!

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

Tempermental Printers

Oh, bother, the weather today is drizzly, overcast and warm - the weatherman promises it will clear this afternoon but it is almost noon now and still overcast!  Looks like April (Dec 4) will be her usual unsettled month.

Did you ever want to drop kick your computer or printer?  I have not been able to print for the past week for no reason that I could figure out.  Jack needed a few things printed and I always print current lists of medications when I go to MSKCC.  No luck with the printer even though I kept trying to get Jack's item printed.  I tried everything - including prayer and pulling out the plug - nothing changed.  It just kept going to copy and shooting out blank paper - when it did not jam for no reason.  So, this morning I moved my laptop into Kate and Karen's old bedroom (now referred to as the guest room) as that is the current location of the printer.  Thinking I would try one more time,   I plugged the printer into the laptop and it spit out 8 copies of the document I had spent days trying to print.  It is working fine now.  Go figure.

While in this room, I pulled up the blinds on the corner windows and realized that I had never - in 33 years of living in this house - sat in this particular spot and gazed out the window.  Maybe that is why the printer did not work - perhaps my angel was trying to show me something.  The view is beautiful as I look at the bare limbed trees; see the figs which did not ripen still holding on the tree looking every bit like holiday ornaments; really look at the beautiful trees in the back of my neighbor's yard; wonder at the orange leaves still grasping several trees in spite of the storms.

I got to thinking that we should all be like those orange leaves and hold on really tightly no matter what storms come our way knowing that spring will return and fill our hearts with renewed vigor and hope. 

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

Oh, Happy Day!

We just got in from MSKCC where I had a dose of chemo and a B-12 shot.  It probably sounds strange to say I had a great time while waiting for the chemo to be ready.  There are always interesting people in the waiting room and most make eye contact which is sort of the signal that they want to talk.  Anyone who knows me also knows that I have been seen talking to empty chairs long before Clint Eastwood.  Anyway, today there was a woman making the most adorable Gingerbread Men out of craft materials.  There she sat, hot glue gun in hand, putting on their eyes, noses, drawing the mouth, fluffy buttons - I'm telling you, they were so adorable.  Of course I told her that I admire her patience and she said she was making them for the staff.  Then I realized that earlier in the lab where I had my blood tests done, there was a turkey on the wall and when I commented,  the fellow checking my vitals said a woman who comes with her husband (he is also being treated by Dr. Krug) and makes things for the holidays.  She also makes many and mails them to MSKCC for the children who are receiving treatment.  We really chatted away and her hands worked as quickly as we chatted.  Even Jack was impressed with her handiwork.  She asked if I had any grandchildren and of course, I told her about Agnes and Bernadette.  Before she left, she insisted I take two for the grandies.  She also asked me to be sure that a woman who had gone into the chemo lab earlier get one as she had been chatting with us too! 

As if this was not enough joy for one day, my friend, Gerry stopped by as she was having lab work at the same time.  We are usually on different schedules but hopefully, they will match up eventually.  It was so good to see her.  What a beautiful person, inside and out!  Jack was happy to finally meet the phantom Gerry!

What else?  Leslie came in to chat with us while I was having the infusion which is always a treat.  She is no longer my primary care Nurse Practitioner as she has been promoted upward (well deserved, I applaud.)  Spending the time with her made the time fly - although it is only ten minutes.  (Unfortunately, it sometimes takes upwards of 3 hours for them to prepare the medication based on the current blood work.)  Trust me, I am not complaining as I will always be thankful for the gift of life that these medications are providing me.  God is good and I think He is not ready for someone to chat His ear off  just yet!

Since Mom passed, I have had so many health issues, I am ashamed to admit I never had her name put on her headstone.  Today we stopped on the way home and made the necessary arrangements and the work will be done in two months or so.   Even though it will take a few more months, at least it is off my mind.  It really bothered me to have Mom's grave unmarked.

Speaking of Mom, today's weather (Dec 3) is almost balmy.  Temperatures were in the mid sixties and the sun was shining.  It looks as though March may be a mild month.

Please continue to send those prayers upward as they are really working!

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

Land of the Foggy, Foggy Dew

As I walked into the den this morning and glanced out the window, I thought for a moment I was Princess Winifred from the Land of the Foggy Foggy Dew (Once Upon a Mattress.)  The fog was so thick I could hardly make out the fence separating us from the railroad tracks.  Happily, as the day wore on, the fog lifted and a little sun has peeked out.  Considering Dec 2 as February, it may be a month that is a little warmer than usual.  Today is is fairly warm for December which may account for the fog earlier.  So, February should be a mild month.  Should be - not necessarily will be!

One of my all time favorite movies was on today, "Tea with Mussolini."  The reason I love this movie is that it is set in Florence and San Gimignano, Italy.   San Gimignano is a beautiful place and we were fortunate enough to visit it with Bill and Joan when we traveled to Italy.  Whenever I see this movie, I am reminded of the incredible time we all had - laughing, eating, drinking wine, and drinking more wine!  Every day we would buy several bottles of the local wine and cheese and pretend to ourselves that we would ship them  home - well, needless to say, we enjoyed our wine and cheese every evening as we watched the sun set behind the Tuscan hills.  It was a trip that I often revisit in my mind and I am so thankful for the memories that come from that trip.

Last Saturday, Jeanne and Brian married at the Three Village Inn.  It was a fun time for all of us.  I had such a good time that I forgot to leave our gift and had to mail it a few days later - when I found it in my evening purse.  Ooops! 

It is hard to believe that today is the first Sunday of Advent.  The years are really flying.  I heard from several friends yesterday after publishing the blog again and one said weren't we in high school just yesterday?  Seems like it!  Thanks to all of you who took the time to write that you were glad to see me writing again - me, too!

My grandies are coming for a short visit so I will close for now.

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

Back from the Edge

It has been a long time since I’ve been in touch with you all.  My journey has been a bit ragged since my last posting.  At first I lacked the energy to write;  then I became too lazy!  It was a difficult spring, summer and early autumn with several stays at Memorial Sloan Kettering for various health issues.  I am, however, feeling really good these days thanks to the ever vigilant care given by my family and friends.  We have been through several scary patches which are over thanks to the prayers that storm heaven each day on my behalf from so many of you.   I am looking forward to an exciting year ahead – Kate and Ben’s wedding in August heads the list!

Today’s date prompted me to get back in the writing habit.   My mother always kept a record of the weather for the first twelve days of December.  Each day would equate one month in the coming year.  The weather on that day would portend the basic weather for the corresponding month, i.e., today is January;  Dec 2 is February;  Dec 3 March; etc.  You get it, right?   Anyway, today it is damp, cloudy and chilly – not a great sign for January’s weather.  At least it is not snowing or raining or sleeting here on Long Island.  So, in memory of  my mother, I will be keeping the record here for the first 12 days.  That way I can check back and see how accurate the predictions are….sort of a fake Farmer’s Almanac.

So, what’s been happening……you know about the terrible storm Sandy.  We were without power for 14 days and lost two big tree limbs.  We are also thankful that the limbs did not do any damage to the house and we did not get any flooding.  Jack has always wanted to live on the water and I have always said it would be my worst nightmare.  My heart breaks for all those who have lost so much in that storm.   We managed well with the help of great neighbors who brought soup, checked to make sure we had wood for the fireplace and kept tabs on my health in the cold.  We dressed in layers, had a small generator which kept the fridge going along with one small lamp and a radio.  I had forgotten how much pleasure I got from talk radio and rediscovered it during this adventure.  Jack says I became very attached to his Walkman (yes, Walkman) and he is right.  I would put the earplugs in and climb under the blankets and listen to talk radio until sleep came.  As  uncomfortable as it got, Jack and I spent many hours chatting by the fire and listening to the radio.  We had quite a few laughs.  Jack got up every morning and got coffee and rolls;  cooked eggs out on the bbq grill and served up breakfast!  We grazed through lunch and he either grilled or went to North Shore Farms and picked up dinner.  We have become addicted to their soup….my favorite is Butternut Squash.

Thanksgiving was wonderful at Karen and Joe’s.  Ben and Kate joined us as well as Joan and Bill and Diana and Yosie and their little girls.    Joan’s hand was in a cast as she had fallen during the power outage and broke bones in her hand as well as stitches in her eyebrow.   Just before we left our house, the phone rang and it was Roger and Yvonne from England calling to wish us a Happy Thanksgiving.  They were with us one or two Thanksgivings years and  years ago and call us every year on that day. 

There seems to be so many things I want to tell you but things will unfold as the days go on.  (Sooner or later I’ll remember what I wanted to say!)

As always, love from me to you!

Believe!

Rose Capello Hilliard - 1/29/1911 - 2/29/2012

Mom passed peacefully on February 29 at 10:30 in the morning.  Jack and I had not gotten there yet but we had spent the day before saying all the things we should have said throughout her lifetime.    She was a good mother even though, as an only child, we butted heads more than once.  I always felt our ways were very different but as I hit my mid-sixties and have gained a little of the wisdom she tried to impart to me, I realize we were pretty much alike.  Our greatest difference was Mom was a quiet person who enjoyed being alone or only with close family.  I, on the other hand, fancy myself a raconteur, a spinner of tales and laughter and good times with friends, family - perfect strangers;  Jack says I would strike up a conversation with an empty chair if left alone long enough.  Last week, for example, Jack and I were at MSKCC on Monday.  Jack went downstairs to pick up my medication and left me reading in the waiting room of my doctor's.  When he returned about 20 minutes later, I was deeply involved in a conversation with a gentleman and his wife.  In 20 minutes, I knew where they grew up, that he had lung cancer surgery 3 weeks before;  the type of business he was in;  where they lived in Connecticut;  where he cooked in his brother's restaurant;  what type of treatment he was receiving ..... well, you get the picture.  I can't help myself.  My mother and I would go to Sunday mass and by the time we got out of church and to the car, the next mass had begun.  Every Sunday she would mutter not particularly happily,  "You're like the mayor."

Mom had a good send off and I owe a debt of gratitude to my cousins,  Frank (Sonny) and Eileen and their wonderful family.  It is too bad we only see each other during the rough times.  Our lifetime friends, Virginia, Eileen, Dorothy and their families were, as always, standing at our sides - our strength in all situations.  Our wonderful neighbors, friends from work....Mom would have been very surprised to see so many come to pay their respects to her.

Mom looked incredibly beautiful.  Considering how she had deteriorated in the past few years, it was as if God Himself gave her this gift of radiance one more time for us all to remember her as she always was.  Mom had her rosary beads in her hands but we exchanged them for a NY Yankee cap for the burial.  I'm sure she would rather we keep the beads and say them!

Joe helped pick out the readings and the music for the mass.  Virginia and Eileen did the readings;  Joe the Prayer of the Faithful.  Karen wrote a beautiful Words of Remembrance and read it before the mass began with Kate standing with her for moral support.  Jack and I were very proud of our daughters and I am sure Mom was smiling down from heaven listening closely to make sure Karen mentioned the NY Yankees!

Mom's major gift to us was her faith which sustained her to the end.  Even as her dementia increased to the point where she did not recognize any of us, she would still pray and make the Sign of the Cross.  May she and all the souls of the faithful departed rest in peace.


Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

News from the Front!

According to yesterday's visit to MSKCC, my lung tumors are infinitesimal and too small to biopsy. It is presumed they are malignant since they were originally before the chemo pill shrunk them. Unfortunately, they are starting to come out of hibernation after a 3 year nap. The good news is they are awakening slowly and it will be awhile before they are big enough for biopsy.

Since I had my waterworks when we first discussed this new development originally, I had collected my wits (which were scattered all the hell over the place) and asked when the absolute worst begins to happen, i.e., regrowth, what is the plan? I was given an uplifting plan that did not include radiation or iv chemo. They are having great success with other chemo added to what I am already on. I told my cancer team that as long as I did not have any "episodes" - that is allergic reactions to the new meds, we would all be fine. Believe me, no one wants to go through that again! So, I left feeling like I was in Good Hands - oh, the doctors and nurses are good, too!

You will notice that the weather for the first 2 months of this year have been according to my calendar of December days. You can go back to Dec 3 to get an idea of March's weather. I have to go look myself.

Our grandies continue to grow smarter and cuter by the day. They stayed with Jack and I for part of the day on Saturday and Bernadette actually fell asleep in Jack's arms......or he fell asleep with her in his arms.....anyway, they were both snoring away for almost 2 hours! It is hard to believe Ag starts kindergarten in September and Bern is already in Mommy and Me 3 hours a week and LOVES it. She says she wants to take dancing lessons. I said "ballet", she says "TAP."

I am sorry to see that my absolute favorite "Downton Abbey" has finished its too short season and I cannot wait for season 3. I have finally gotten a DVR and figured out how to use it. Now I will never miss "Days of Our Lives" which has recently, well for quite a while, been DOZE of Our Lives.

Yesterday there was a phone message from someone named Andrea but the number and last name were no one we knew. It was strange because at the end of the lovely message she said to say hello to Jack. So, Andrea, if you are reading this, please call me back. I am sorry that I did not recognize the voice either. I just hope it was for me and not someone trying to reach an old friend and feeling rebuffed!

Please keep a young friend of mine in your prayers. She, too, has been touched with this dreaded disease and has very young children.

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

Jan 29, 2012 - Mom is 101

Mom turned 101 today. It should have been a day of great rejoicing and jelly jar photos. It wasn't. Karen, Jack and I went to visit her at Sunrise Manor where she has resided for more than ten years. Amazing in itself. She was content today, sleeping peacefully in her wheelchair. She has been moved to the floor where they keep those lost souls who no longer recognize anyone and who make no sense in their constant rantings. Mom was silent today. She brightened for a moment when she saw Karen but had no recognition for Jack or me. Jack pushed her wheelchair from the sunroom to her now private room. She slept and we sat and chatted quietly. Karen said it seemed a strange way to celebrate 101 years but Mom had no idea who we were or even that we were there. It is heart breaking to see her like this. My mother would have loved seeing her great grandchildren. Too bad it was her mind which left before her body. When you have bodily issues, you still can recognize and love and laugh and enjoy. To see a woman who lived a difficult life at best not even be able to enjoy these wonderful babies is heartbreaking. What good is it to be 101 or any age where your cognitive ability is taken from you? I only pray her mind and spirit are at peace somewhere and her body just isn't ready to catch up. Such a loss for all of us whom she loved so intensely in her own way.

Sometimes I think my cancer is not such a terrible thing. I plan on living a long time but I hope I do not live to be like my mother. I'd rather be remembered as a joyous, living, positive force on this earth.

Sorry if this is a downer tonight. It is really a truth.

I sitll say

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

Ya Never Know from One Day to the Next

Hello to you all! Thought I would do a quick blog to bring you up to date rather than individual e-mails. I had a little scare last week. My CT scan showed that one of the growths in the lining of my lung appeared to be getting a little bigger. There was great discussion and turmoil regarding the continuation of my meds, etc. and whether a biopsy was needed. A biopsy was decided upon and I requested the woman doc who did my original biopsy at MSKCC. Since she was not available, one of her most competent partners was assigned. I was kept on the medication for which I am ever so thankful. Anyway, I was to go to meet the Radiologist on Friday afternoon and Friday morning the doc I had asked for called me. My ever so thoughtful and kind Dr. Lungo had called her to say I had requested her. She looked at the slides and then called me herself to say she did not feel a biopsy was warranted as the growth was infinitismal, would be impossible to biopsy and barely visible compared to how it was on the original scans 3 years ago. Bless her! It was a very nerve wracking few days imagining the cancer growing inside me again. Of course, this is something all cancer survivors live with daily....and someday it will happen but not too soon, I pray. I have too much living to do.

So I ask again for your prayers, not only for me but for these remarkable doctors and nurses who care so very much for their patients that they go that extra step of making that phone call to put a patient at ease. May God continue to hold them in the hollow of His Hand.

Believe.

As always, love from me to you.

January 3 - Rebirth

If it were not for a quick and brilliant medical team, today would be the fifth anniversary of my passing. Instead, I was revived and got to spend a few days in ICU. Please say a prayer of gratitude that the good Lord did not want me that day! I have been thinking of all the things I've gotten to enjoy over these five gifted years; the birth of two wonderful, incredible grandchildren; Chrissie and Pete's wedding; Molly and Anthony's wedding. Kate introducing Ben into our lives. Sweet babies born to extended family and friends; Graduations; beautiful days in the Hamptons; summer evenings on the porch in the Hamptons enjoying the company of friends and family; celebration of Gladys and John's 50 anniversary (and I plan to go back to Wisconsin next summer) Becoming a lady who lunches - with lifetime friends. Dinners out; family meals; all those holidays.....especially this year's Nativity Pageant at Agnes' school. Catching up with old friends from elementary and high school some by plan some by serendipity. Partaking in a clinical trial at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center when the cancer returned 3 years ago - a trial that I am still partaking in and which has, so far, kept the cancer at bay. Have had the chance to help write a book about cancer; started this blog; discovered yoga - although I need to get back to it. I also discovered that once I break a habit (like going to yoga) it is almost impossible for me to get back in the groove. I realize that some of the preceding were really not sentences but I've also discovered how really unimportant some things are.

So, thank you, dear friends - old friends and new friends - for your prayers, your support, your laughter, your tears. You have gotten me over some rough spots and given me hope and faith that we are all in God's Hands. Life is precious, both the good days and the not so great days. Today I choose to celebrate the good.

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!