Jan 29, 2012 - Mom is 101

Mom turned 101 today. It should have been a day of great rejoicing and jelly jar photos. It wasn't. Karen, Jack and I went to visit her at Sunrise Manor where she has resided for more than ten years. Amazing in itself. She was content today, sleeping peacefully in her wheelchair. She has been moved to the floor where they keep those lost souls who no longer recognize anyone and who make no sense in their constant rantings. Mom was silent today. She brightened for a moment when she saw Karen but had no recognition for Jack or me. Jack pushed her wheelchair from the sunroom to her now private room. She slept and we sat and chatted quietly. Karen said it seemed a strange way to celebrate 101 years but Mom had no idea who we were or even that we were there. It is heart breaking to see her like this. My mother would have loved seeing her great grandchildren. Too bad it was her mind which left before her body. When you have bodily issues, you still can recognize and love and laugh and enjoy. To see a woman who lived a difficult life at best not even be able to enjoy these wonderful babies is heartbreaking. What good is it to be 101 or any age where your cognitive ability is taken from you? I only pray her mind and spirit are at peace somewhere and her body just isn't ready to catch up. Such a loss for all of us whom she loved so intensely in her own way.

Sometimes I think my cancer is not such a terrible thing. I plan on living a long time but I hope I do not live to be like my mother. I'd rather be remembered as a joyous, living, positive force on this earth.

Sorry if this is a downer tonight. It is really a truth.

I sitll say

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

Ya Never Know from One Day to the Next

Hello to you all! Thought I would do a quick blog to bring you up to date rather than individual e-mails. I had a little scare last week. My CT scan showed that one of the growths in the lining of my lung appeared to be getting a little bigger. There was great discussion and turmoil regarding the continuation of my meds, etc. and whether a biopsy was needed. A biopsy was decided upon and I requested the woman doc who did my original biopsy at MSKCC. Since she was not available, one of her most competent partners was assigned. I was kept on the medication for which I am ever so thankful. Anyway, I was to go to meet the Radiologist on Friday afternoon and Friday morning the doc I had asked for called me. My ever so thoughtful and kind Dr. Lungo had called her to say I had requested her. She looked at the slides and then called me herself to say she did not feel a biopsy was warranted as the growth was infinitismal, would be impossible to biopsy and barely visible compared to how it was on the original scans 3 years ago. Bless her! It was a very nerve wracking few days imagining the cancer growing inside me again. Of course, this is something all cancer survivors live with daily....and someday it will happen but not too soon, I pray. I have too much living to do.

So I ask again for your prayers, not only for me but for these remarkable doctors and nurses who care so very much for their patients that they go that extra step of making that phone call to put a patient at ease. May God continue to hold them in the hollow of His Hand.

Believe.

As always, love from me to you.

January 3 - Rebirth

If it were not for a quick and brilliant medical team, today would be the fifth anniversary of my passing. Instead, I was revived and got to spend a few days in ICU. Please say a prayer of gratitude that the good Lord did not want me that day! I have been thinking of all the things I've gotten to enjoy over these five gifted years; the birth of two wonderful, incredible grandchildren; Chrissie and Pete's wedding; Molly and Anthony's wedding. Kate introducing Ben into our lives. Sweet babies born to extended family and friends; Graduations; beautiful days in the Hamptons; summer evenings on the porch in the Hamptons enjoying the company of friends and family; celebration of Gladys and John's 50 anniversary (and I plan to go back to Wisconsin next summer) Becoming a lady who lunches - with lifetime friends. Dinners out; family meals; all those holidays.....especially this year's Nativity Pageant at Agnes' school. Catching up with old friends from elementary and high school some by plan some by serendipity. Partaking in a clinical trial at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center when the cancer returned 3 years ago - a trial that I am still partaking in and which has, so far, kept the cancer at bay. Have had the chance to help write a book about cancer; started this blog; discovered yoga - although I need to get back to it. I also discovered that once I break a habit (like going to yoga) it is almost impossible for me to get back in the groove. I realize that some of the preceding were really not sentences but I've also discovered how really unimportant some things are.

So, thank you, dear friends - old friends and new friends - for your prayers, your support, your laughter, your tears. You have gotten me over some rough spots and given me hope and faith that we are all in God's Hands. Life is precious, both the good days and the not so great days. Today I choose to celebrate the good.

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!