Palm Sunday, the beginning of the holiest week of the Christian year. (No, it is not Christmas week.) I am ashamed and sorry to admit that it has not played a very big part in my life for the past 18 years or so but prior to that, my life revolved around the doings at church in my role on the liturgy committee. I did the readings, I led song, I sang in the choir, I dusted the pews -- anything to be involved, physically and spiritually. Then something happened and I did not have enough faith to rise above it - I let my pride take over and I stopped attending church on a regular basis. I did not stop believing or for that matter, I realize now, I did not stop grieving the loss of this powerful expression of my faith. So, through the grace of God, I am making this Holy Week the beginning of my own personal journey back to the outward practice of my faith. God has not left me abandoned but like a good parent, He has stood by and quietly supported me through the good times and the rough times. His presence was seen in the faces of all of you who were so good to me, who prayed for my return to health, who, I'm sure, prayed for my spiritual health as well. You did not judge me - but I did feel a nudge now and then and like to think it was my Guardian Angel but suspect it may have been you all along. So, pray for me now as I continue the steps along the road. When I left church yesterday, I thought of my mother who used to ask me if I was the "mayor" as it always took me 1/2 hour to get out the door of the church, stopping to speak to this one or that. Yesterday, I lost count of the number of loving embraces and kind words spoken to me as I left the church after the Palm Sunday mass. I felt as though I was finally back at home.
This blog seems to be my confessional today but since I started it for therapy.......
The other thing I have been feeling very guilty and shamed about is that I have not been visiting my 98 year old mother. The last time I was there, she had no idea of who I was and whomever she thought I was, she hated enough to spit and curse me. I made up my mind that I would not go visit alone again as it truly frightened me. How ridiculous that a 61 year old woman would be afraid of this frail old lady in a wheelchair....but do we ever outgrow the need - the want - to please our mother? I had many excuses - my own health issues and fear of catching some germ,
she doesn't recognize me anyway, my mother is gone and I don't know who this person is - you can make up any number of excuses and apply them to me. Truth still comes down to my own lack of courage.
Yesterday, Karen and I spent a lovely afternoon shopping for an Easter outfit for Agnes Rose and buying wool and crochet hooks at Michael's so I could finally begin this project I've been talking about for months it seems. As we left Michael's, Karen said let's stop to see Nan. At first I looked around for my bag of excuses but could not find it so off we went to Sun Harbor. I was prepared for the worst as the last time I saw my mother she was gaunt and filled with anger. We went into the dayroom to get her and she was so happy to see us (time means nothing to her, she really doesn't know if we were there a month ago or a day ago nor does she usually remember who we are.) We rolled her to her room. Initially she wasn't making much sense but then she looked at me and asked why my hair was so short and went on to tell me it looked terrible. My mother was back! Karen and I were dumbfounded. I patted my extremely short hair (see earlier blog in March "Chia Pet") and agreed with her. I said yes, it is terrible isn't it. She looked at me and then said it was terrible, terrible and started to laugh - we all started to laugh. This was a miracle - a gift to hear my mother laugh. Then she asked for Kate and wondered if she was still living up there (Boston) and assured me that if she wasn't happy she would come home. I said she was very happy and my mother said that was good. I promised that Kate would visit her in a few weeks. Mom went on to say that Karen and Kate were her best friends and she loved them so much since they were born and she still loved them. Then she asked Karen if she had a boyfriend. Karen said I have a husband but my mother started drifting.....Karen showed her the wedding ring and engagement ring and my mother said that was good and that she hoped Karen would have happiness in her heart always. Then, as quickly as she came to us, she was gone. Mom told us that she would soon go to the God she loved so much and be the guest of honor....she would see all her family and those she missed so much. She is ready and I suspect her time is growing close. I guess I seem to mourn my mother while she is still here but she seems to have been gone for such a long time already.
My mother's mind has drifted very far away from us but her faith is still sustaining her. Her eyes do not recognize the things of this earth but her faith allows her to see the things to come. My epiphany is that this is the example that is pushing me back to my faith.....my roots have held me firm no matter how hard the wind blew.
May your winds blow softly.
Believe! Hope!
As always, love from me to you!