Rest in Peace, Elizabeth Edwards

It would have been impossible for me not to recognize Mrs. Edwards for the heroine she was for those of us going through cancer.  She held her head high and seemed to meet all her public difficulties with courage and grace.   Her attitude was inspiring to me.  On one interview she said she was not afraid of death, that burying her son had changed her attitude about death and dying.  Her faith sustained her and I pray her son was waiting to hug her and bring her to the house of her Lord.  May her soul and all the souls of the faithful departed rest in peace.

Good News

I am extremely happy to tell you that my latest CT scan results are wonderful – stable, no changes.  This clinical trial has been an incredible blessing for me and my family and friends.  Although fatigue continues to plague me, it is little to complain about considering two years ago I was in fourth stage lung cancer with a spot on the pancreatic tail.  God is good and I hope He continues to bless the wonderful staff at MSKCC and all those who work so hard to bring good health and encouragement to the afflicted.

Agnes Rose and Bernadette met with Santa and Mrs. Claus on Saturday morning at St. Peter’s, their parish and site of Agnes’ nursery school.  Here is the photo which I’m sure Joe and Karen won’t mind my posting.  It cracks me up as Bernadette’s face reminds me of Karen’s first visit to Santa. I can still see her sliding down Santa’s lap in her royal blue snow suit.  I can’t put my hands on that photo but if I find it between now and Christmas, I will try to scan it in.  I remember our nephew, Michael, when he was just about Agnes’ age crying because he did not want Santa to put candy in his sock (stocking!) 

The weather suddenly turned cold and damp here and we had flurries when in Manhattan this morning.   I am feeling very chilled even though I have the heat on high and a sweatshirt, lined jeans and warm socks on.  I think the dampness outside gets to me.   I don’t mind the winter weather if the sun is shining.

As always, love from me to you!

Yoga Pals

I just love this photograph and wanted to share it.
Yesterday most of the gals in our yoga class got together for a lovely lunch to honor our instructor. We wanted to let her know what a difference she has made in our lives - both physical and mental. For the most part, our class is made up of gals who are no longer spring chickens! When we started our classes a year ago, many of us could not get up or down on to the floor. Baby, you should see us now! Well, some days we are a little stiff but what an improvement.

The grandies brought their parents over for a visit late yesterday afternoon so Grandpa brought home pizza. It always lights up our hearts to see the kids - all of them, even the grown up ones. Honey Bee is starting to be more adventurous in walking although she still prefers a quick crawl. It is ironic that she is starting to take her walking more than a few steps right in the same path the Agnes Rose did around the time of her first birthday. Honey Bee will be one next Saturday. Who can believe how quickly a year can fly by. (Says I who dropped out, so to speak, for the entire summer!)

Enjoy the rest of the weekend!

As always, love from me to you!

Return from Sabbatical

Here I ran off on a sabbatical from writing my blog  and I didn’t even know I was going to go!  Actually, I spent the summer in our little slice of heaven out east hiding from the heat and humidity.  I rarely left our unit except to go into MSKCC for my scheduled check ups;  grocery shopping every few weeks with Crone Marie who was good enough to drive down island to pick me up for shopping and we would pick up lunch.  One wonderful day, Crone Janice joined us and we did all go out for lunch sans grocery shopping.  On a few cool evenings, when the humidity lifted, you could find me on the deck or downstairs with the Ferriers for a few laughs and some good food.  Jack and the gang came out for long weekends.  But I digress.

What actually happened was that I found myself the opportunity to spend some alone time contemplating my life, where it had been, where it was and where it was going.   It was a quiet time of self reflection which, in my constant seeking companionship and entertainment, I always managed to escape.  Guess what?  I enjoyed my own company!  This was such a surprise to me – it has brought a great sense of peace and contentment and I’m sure has made life a little easier for Jack and my good, close friends who have had to put up with my needy ways for so long.  I had to revisit the child in myself and let her learn to love herself and accept herself and not seek constant approval or worry so much about what others might be thinking.  I enjoyed meeting her and spending time exchanging thoughts and feelings.  I learned to enjoy solitude.  It has given me a feeling of freedom.  I am so thankful that I had this time to myself.

Health wise, I am doing well.  I did start to see a new Endocrinologist at MSKCC and she changed a lot of my medications.  We are still working on the right combo but my glucose is coming under control.  So far so good in the cancer department.   I had my latest CT scan the other day and will get the results on Monday.  I am always apprehensive but que sera sera.  It is in God’s Hands.

My darling grandies are growing quickly.  Agnes started nursery school and loves it.  She also has begun tap and ballet which she also enjoys.  Bernadette will be one year old on December 11.  She is a merry, cheerful baby with a real twinkle in her eyes.  Both girls have Jack and I wrapped around their little fingers! First day of school holding Mama’s photo from her first week of nursery school.

Bernadette checking out the wind at Shinnecock Canal the day after Earl blew through.  This photo is a few months old.

So, happily, life goes on.   My true friends and loved ones encouraged my introspection and rejoice in the change in me because it was best for me.  They understood my need to spend time alone and to spend time in a controlled climate during the heat of the summer.  A few folk were hurt and insulted by my tending to my own needs and that was unavoidable and sad but it certainly helped to clarify relationships.  I have grown stronger emotionally and physically.  I am surrounded by loving family and friends who accept me, warts and all!

My plan is to continue writing my thoughts in this blog.  Hope you will join me on the rest of the journey.

As always, love from me to you!

Random Joys

My daughter, Kate, used Random Tuesdays as a special day to post a variety of thoughts on her blog. I'm borrowing her idea today because my days have been so full of joy lately that I want to share some with you in a somewhat random way.

Despite a few embarrassing moments, and an occasional sarcastic comment or correction aimed in my direction, last week was particularly happy for me.

Gladys and John DeMerit arrived from Wisconsin and Susan DeMerit flew in from Seattle. It is always such fun to see members of our extended family especially for Agnes Rose and Bernadette to have both sets of grandparents around and having a grand time together. Kate and Ben came down from Boston as well. Karen and Joe hosted a Welcome Spring Open house on Saturday so we got to spend time with many old friends and lots of sweet, lovely babies all around Bernadette's age as well as some just right for Agnes Rose.

Friday night, Agnes Rose asked me to hula hoop with her. Well, you may be surprised to know that I could actually do it (thanks to the yoga, see below) - not well, but at least a couple of spins. After all, hula hoops were hot when I was a kid! While Ag, who will be three in October, pondered my attempts, she said, "Nana, I have a song about the hula hoop." I figured it was something from Sesame Street or Dora but when she sang it for me, I got such a kick out of it. She sang "Alleluia, Alleluia, let the holy anthems rise" our favorite Easter hymn but it came out "All lets hula, all lets hula, let the holy anthems rise." Talk about pure innocence! Of course, I asked her to sing it for Gramma DeMerit who enjoyed it as much as I.

My friend, Carol, filled us with joy just by her happiness when seeing Agnes Rose and Bernadette. Such patience and caring - this will be a fun summer for Ag when she visits Carol when we are all out east. She also brought a fabulous carrot cake - good thing it was before I met with the Endocrinologist on Monday.

Bernadette Lucille was baptized on Sunday. Pure joy to see all those beautiful babies being brought into a life of faith. The date just happend to fall the day after my Aunt Lou's birthday and "Lucille" is in remembrance of her. I found a few pennies during the week and just know it was Aunt Lou letting me know she knew what was happening in her honor.

I am taking a yoga class twice a week now (twice when I can get there!) My aim is to go three times a week but that will have to wait until autumn. My yoga class has opened a whole new world of joy to me - not only has this 62 year old former couch potato found a form of exercise that I love, I can't wait to get to class to see the gals. It is such a wonderful, joyful group of women - and none of us are spring chickens, let me tell you! I realized how much this yoga has added to my life when I was at MSKCC this week with a new Endocrinologist to work on bringing my glucose back in line. She kept a blood pressure cuff on me as my pressure was high (I was nervous) and she did not believe in taking one or two readings and then prescribing. She wanted to watch the pressure over a period of time. Well, nothing was making me relax or my pressure go down. Finally, I thought about how we begin and end our yoga practice with a form of meditation and that is just what I did. The doctor was amazed at how quickly my pressure lowered and stayed within the normal range for me. Jack was in a chair next to me and was amazed at how I learned to tune out....actually, he asked "where'd you go?"

Gladys, John and Susan had to head back to Wisconsin much sooner than expected as there was a sudden death in the family. No joy in that but a merciful way to pass for the deceased.

Yesterday Agnes Rose and I visited for about an hour as Joe took Bernadette to see the pediatrician. We had a picnic on the deck and then threw around a ball. Callie, the cat, came out of hiding under the hosta plants and she and Ag made a game of hide and seek. Ag and I walked around my overgrown flower beds and she admired my daylilies (which have invaded almost every inch of the garden) and we chatted about the garden. It reminded me of when Kate was about the same age as Ag and told me the lilies were "tropical" colors. There is great joy found in old memories as well as new moments.

As we walked around the flower beds, a magnificent Monarch butterfly took flight and danced over the flowers for us. Do you think it was Aunt Lou waving a cheery hello? I do.

May the joy overflow in your life.

Believe!

As always, love from me to you!

Simply, a Hand

Sometimes the smallest, inconsequential act – done without any thought or plan – can bring forth  many memories. 

I want to share some of the thoughts brought to mind by the unconscious act that occurred as Jack and I were crossing over Third Avenue heading to my appointment at MSKCC on Monday for my monthly check up.

I guess I was dawdling along as has become my habit lately – although yoga has put a little pep in my dawd. Apparently, not enough for Jack as he reached back and grabbed my hand to get me to move a little quicker than the oncoming cabs. For some reason, we continued to keep our hands linked as we walked along the crowded sidewalk and around the corner to the entrance.

Jack walked me to the entrance then headed off to visit his eye doctor several blocks uptown. We managed to coordinate our appointments in the big city this time! I checked in and had a few minutes to contemplate what had just occurred.

I realized that the hand I had been holding was no longer smooth and soft. Rather it was rough and callused, knarled with arthritis, but felt ever so much stronger than the hand of that young man who held my hand through both childbirth labors and deliveries.

It was less tender than the hand that held mine while we waited too many hours for news during Kate’s back surgery.  This is the hand that smoothed her dry, itchy skin with cream while she lay connected to machines because he did not know what else to do for this beloved child.

This hand held the trusting hands of his beloved daughters as they climbed rocks at the beach; jumped waves in the Atlantic;  explored glaciers in Alaska and the greatest museums of the world.

This is the hand that clenched and unclenched as he taught his girls to drive. This is the hand that waved good bye as they headed off to college. And this same hand brushed away a tear as he prepared to walk his first born treasure down the aisle.

This is the hand that hides lollipops and chocolate in his pocket for Agnes Rose and will do the same for Bernadette when the time is right.

This is the hand that has known hard work and sacrifice.  This is the hand that could stop traffic and a gentle hand that could deliver a breach birth baby on a kitchen floor.

This is the hand that patted my back when I told him I was ill. This is the hand that has held the steering wheel and driven me to every single doctor’s appointment and test for the past three and a half years.

This hand has toughened over the years through the good, the bad, the happy and the sad. This hand has never been raised in anger or threat.

This hand has remained a steadfast rock.

I’m happy my hand still fits into it.

Where’d April Go?

Ooops!  I missed an entire month without stopping by to say hello to all of you – at least those of you who haven’t given up on my blog entries!  I don’t know where the month of April escaped to but after all, it was only a 30 day month.

Driving along Bryant Avenue one day a few weeks ago, I really paid attention to the blooming of this spring.  Maybe I paid more attention as I am so grateful for still being here to enjoy the beautiful greening of the earth.  When I was younger, I always preferred the colors and scents of autumn.   My mother always said she loved the spring best and I finally realize why that is.  Spring is new life and rebirth.  It is a time of joy and sunshine (mostly, notice I did not write this in April!) and the warming of the earth.  The colors are vibrant and I realized that Ireland does not hold the patent on all the colors of green.  The weeping willows almost laugh at the antics of the squirrels and birds as they begin their courtships.  The cardinals come back to their nests all around our yard and I am awakened each morning by one particularly cheeky cardinal who seems to reside right outside my bedroom window.   He does not know or particularly care that I am retired and can sleep well past the gloaming.   Get up and enjoy this blessed day! he chirps.  Sometimes I listen and sometimes I roll over and pull the covers over my head! 

Easter was a day of great joy spent with Agnes Rose and Bernadette;  Karen, Joe, Kate and Jack.  We all attended mass at St. Peter’s then headed back to Joe and Karen’s for brunch.   Later on in the day we took off for Eileen and Jim’s where we celebrated with the whole clan – and the little ones, Ava, Samantha, Agnes Rose and Bernadette (well, not Bernadette) all took part in a great egg hunt that Eileen and Jim  provided all over their lawn.  It was such a happy day for everyone.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and we were back at Joe and Karen’s for a brunch.  Agnes Rose delivered a big hug that was from Gramma (DeMerit) all the way from Wisconsin.  I told Agnes Rose that she was a lucky girl to have two grandmas and two grandpas who loved her and Bernadette so much – and each other!  She said she agreed. 

A sad note to my day was a visit to my own mother in the nursing home.  She has been a little more with it the past few visits so Karen and I took Agnes Rose with us.  Mom was a little startling to see and Karen and I decided it was best to take Agnes Rose outside to play.  I sat with Mom, holding her hand and listening to her ramble for awhile.  It was very, very sad to see such a vibrant, beautiful woman in such a faraway place.   She is almost 99 1/2 years of age and would not be happy to know she lived to such an age without her mental facilities.  I guess I was expecting a miracle in that it is so disappointing not to be able to show off Agnes Rose and Bernadette to someone who would have loved them so deeply and enjoyed them so completely.  Ah, well.  Such is life.  I will have to love and enjoy them for her.

On a happier note, my recent reports from MSKCC have been positive and there is no sign of cancer.   I live with hope and the firm belief that continued prayer and the support of so many loving people will help me face whatever is in the future.

Happy spring!  It has been a long winter.

Believe!

As always, love from me to  you!